under posters of rock stars(that we vaguely resemble)

Poema 20, "Puedo escribir los versos más tristes..." (Pablo Neruda)

2010-11-11T22:15:00.001-06:00

Puedo escribir los versos más tristes esta noche.

Escribir por ejemplo: "La noche está estrellada, y tiritan,
azules, los astros, a lo lejos".

El viento de la noche gira en el cielo y canta.

Puedo escribir los versos más tristes esta noche.
Yo la quise, y a veces ella también me quiso.

En las noches como ésta la tuve entre mis brazos.
La besé tantas veces bajo el cielo infinito.

Ella me quiso, a veces yo también la quería
Como no haber amado sus grandes ojos fijos.

Puedo escribir los versos más tristes esta noche.
Pensar que no la tengo. Sentir que la he perdido.

Oír la noche inmensa, más inmensa sin ella
Y el verso cae al alma como al pasto el rocío.

Qué importa que mi amor no pudiera guardarla.
La noche está estrellada y ella no está conmigo.

Eso es todo. A lo lejos alguien canta. A lo lejos.
Mi alma no se contenta con haberla perdido.

Como para acercarla mi mirada la busca,
Mi corazón la busca, y ella no está conmigo.

La misma noche que hace blanquear los mismos árboles.
Nosotros, los de entonces, ya no somos los mismos.

Ya no la quiero, es cierto, pero cuánto la quise.
Mi voz buscaba el viento para tocar su oído.

De otro. Será de otro. Como antes de mis besos.
Su voz, su cuerpo claro. Sus ojos infinitos.

Ya no la quiero, es cierto, pero tal vez la quiero.
Es tan corto el amor, y es tan largo el olvido.

Porque en noches como ésta la tuve entre mis brazos,
Mi alma no se contenta con haberla perdido.

Aunque éste sea el último dolor que ella me causa,
y éstos sean los últimos verso que yo le escribo.

--

I can write the saddest verses tonight.

Write, for example, "The night is filled with stars,
twinkling blue, in the distance."

The night wind spins in the sky and sings.

I can write the saddest verses tonight.
I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.

On nights like this I held her in my arms.
I kissed her so many times beneath the infinite sky.

She loved me, at times I loved her too.
How not to have loved her great still eyes.

I can write the saddest verses tonight.
To think that I don't have her. To feel that I have lost her.

To hear the immense night, more immense without her.
And the verse falls onto my soul like dew onto grass.

What difference does it make if my love could not keep her.
The night is full of stars, and she is not with me.

That is all. In the distance, someone sings. In the distance.
My soul is not at peace with having lost her.

As if to bring her closer, my gaze searches for her.
My heart searches for her, and she is not with me.

The same night that whitens the same trees.
We, of then, now are no longer the same.

I no longer love her, it's true, but how much I loved her.
My voice searched for the wind which would touch her ear.

Another's. She will be another's. As before my kisses.
Her voice, her bright body. Her infinite eyes.

I no longer love her, it's true, but maybe I love her.
Love is so short, and forgetting is so long.

Because on nights like this I held her in my arms,
my soul is not at peace with having lost her.

Though this may be the final sorrow she causes me,
and these the last verses I write for her.

—Translated and © Mark Eisner 2004, from City Lights' The Essential Neruda

teacup

2009-10-09T20:54:00.001-06:00

acl - live on hulu

2009-10-04T09:38:00.000-06:00

some bukowski for a saturday morning

2009-08-22T09:31:00.003-06:00

plea to a passing maid

girl in shorts, biting your nails, revolving your ass,
the boys are looking at you --
you hold more, it seems,
than Gauguin or Brahma or Balzac,
more, at least, than the skulls that swim at our feet,
your swagger breaks the Eiffel tower,
turns the heads of old newsboys long ago gone
sexually to pot;
your caged malarkey, your idiot's dance,
mugging it, delightful -- don't ever wash stained under-
wear or chase your acts of love
through neighborhood alleys --
don't spoil it for us,
putting on weight and weariness,
settling for TV and a namby-pamby husband;
don't give up that absurd dispossessed wiggle
to water a Saturday's front lawn --
don't send us back to Balzac or introspection
or Paris
or wine, don't send us back
to the incubation of our doubts or the memory
of death-wiggle, bitch, madden us with love
and hunger, keep the sharks, the bloody sharks,
from the heart.

poem for personnel managers:

An old man asked me for a cigarette
and I carefully dealt out two.
"Been lookin' for a job. Gonna stand
in the sun and smoke."

He was close to rags and rage
and he leaned against death.
It was a cold day, indeed, and trucks
loaded and heavy as old whores
banged and tangled on the streets . . .

We drop like planks from a rotting floor
as the world strives to unlock the bone
that weights its brain.
(God is a lonely place without steak.)

We are dying birds
we are sinking ships --
the world rocks down against us
and we
throw out our arms
and we
throw out our legs
like the death kiss of the centipede:
but they kindly snap our backs
and call our poison "politics."

Well, we smoked, he and I -- little men
nibbling fish-head thoughts . . .

All the horses do not come in,
and as you watch the lights of the jails
and hospitals wink on and out,
and men handle flags as carefully as babies,
remember this:

you are a great-gutted instrument of
heart and belly, carefully planned --
so if you take a plane for Savannah,
take the best plane;
or if you eat a chicken on a rock,
make it a very special animal.
(You call it a bird; I call birds
flowers.)

And if you decide to kill somebody,
make it anybody and not somebody;
some men are made of more special, precious
parts: do not kill
if you will
a president or a King
or a man
behind a desk --
these have heavenly longitudes
enlightened attitudes.

If you decide,
take us
who stand and smoke and glower;
we are rusty with sadness and
feverish
with climbing broken ladders.

Take us:
we were never children
like your children.
We do not understand love songs
like your inamorata.

Our faces are cracked linoleum,
cracked through with the heavy, sure
feet of our masters.

We are shot through with carrot tops
and poppyseed and tilted grammar;
we waste days like mad blackbirds
and pray for alcoholic nights.
Our silk-sick human smiles wrap around
us like somebody else's confetti:
we do not even belong to the Party.

We are a scene chalked-out with the
sick white brush of Age.

We smoke, asleep as a dish of figs.
We smoke, dead as fog.

Take us.

A bathtub murder
or something quick and bright; our names
in the papers.

Known, at last, for a moment
to millions of careless and grape-dull eyes
that hold themselves private
to only flicker and flame
at the poor cracker-barrel jibes
of their conceited, pampered correct comedians.

Known, at last, for a moment,
as they will be known
and as you will be known
by an all-gray man on an all-gray horse
who sits and fondles a sword
longer than the night
longer than the mountain's aching backbone
longer than all the cries
that have a-bombed up out of throats
and exploded in a newer, less-planned
land.

We smoke and the clouds do not notice us.
A cat walks by and shakes Shakespeare off of his back.
Tallow, tallow, candle like wax: our spines
are limp and our consciousness burns
guilelessly away
the remaining wick life has
doled out to us.

An old man asked me for a cigarette
and told me his troubles
and this
is what he sad:
that Age was a crime
and that Pity picked up the marbles
and that Hatred picked up the
cash.

He might have been your father
or mine.

He might have been a sex-fiend
or a saint.

But whatever he was,
he was condemned
and we stood in the sun and
smoked
and looked around
in our leisure
to see who was next in
line.

both from the days run away like wild horses over the hills

espn + uefa cup + rogue wave = smile

2008-06-19T08:22:00.002-06:00

rogue wave - harmonium

for a limited time only - expired

2008-05-27T23:40:00.015-06:00

had a post here, you missed it. sorry. it was the start of a short story. hopefully, i'll finish the thing and you'll read it published somewhere else, someday. until then, check out my pics from a beautiful weekend in phoenix. run the slideshow, set to a couple songs that fit my mood...

photos

the avett bros - if it's the beaches

basia bulat - little waltz

cat power - the colors and the kids

fin.

for now.

Re: Hum's song "Stars" in Cadillac commercial

2007-09-25T02:53:00.000-06:00

this was too good not to share. there's another one out too, but i can't find it on youtube. both ads -- this one, and "hammer" -- are up here.

tracking it down was half as fun as watching the thing. realizing the first source google finds is the first place i should have looked, i know better -- openingbands.com, the community local music portal back in champaign. and these guys are all having similarly crazed reactions (mine was a verbal "holy shit!")...

Re: Hum's song "Stars" in Cadillac commercial
They did make good use of that short clip. Actually gave me shivers a bit.

me too, baby. what a good commercial. what a simple, guilty pleasure. openingbands thread.

until next time,

rock
paper
scissors

End of the Road for Internet Radio?

2007-07-12T13:57:00.001-06:00

I don't usually do something like this, but I'm e-mailing everyone because this is personal and kind of a big deal. If you have some free time this afternoon and can catch up on the issue, the links on this page are great resources. I understand that "calling a senator" seems daunting, but it's really not. The link in the first paragraph walks you through step-by-step, and even gives you a little cue card to read from. Thanks! -Ryan

From WOXY's blog, The Futurist, this morning:

We got word here this morning that yesterday afternoon that the US Court of Appeals in Washington D.C. denied webcasters' emergency motion for a stay of the new royalty rates set to crush the Internet broadcasting industry. This means that now the rates will officially go into effect this Sunday, July 15th, and many webcasters are facing retroactive royalty bills of tens of thousands of dollars (millions for the big guys).

First things first – CALL YOUR SENATORS AND REPRESENTATIVES TODAY! Urge them to support the "Internet Radio Equality Act." If they've already co-sponsored, thank them and tell them to fight to bring it to the floor for an immediate vote. Even if you've already called, call again. If the line is busy, call back. This is our last good chance to make some noise about this before lots (and I mean LOTS) of Internet radio operations go silent.

Where will it go from here? What happens on July 16th? Hard to tell at this point. Webcasters really have three options: cough up the piles of cash required to keep broadcasting and the tens or hundreds of thousands that they owe in back royalties (not an option for most webcasters); not pay and keep broadcasting (which will put you legally in violation of US Copyright Law); or shut it down (which still doesn't relieve you of paying the thousands of dollars in retroactive royalties back to January 1, 2006). It's a difficult choice to be sure. While the fight to overturn the royalty rates will surely continue after July 15th, I think the majority of small webcasters will be unwilling to take the financial and legal risk of staying on-the-air and will simply go silent.

We'll post more updates here at The Futurist as we get em. Also some great resources for the latest news on the situation are KurtHanson.com, SaveNetRadio.org, and for a more in-depth legal analysis check out David Oxenford's excellent Broadcast Law Blog.

--

I just called my two senators and asked them to cosponsor this, and thanked my representative for already cosponsoring but to please bring it to the floor immediately... kind of exciting... do it!!

talking

2007-06-01T01:13:00.000-06:00

And then a scholar said, "Speak of Talking."

And he answered, saying:

You talk when you cease to be at peace with your thoughts;

And when you can no longer dwell in the solitude of your heart you live in your lips, and sound is a diversion and a pastime.

And in much of your talking, thinking is half murdered.

For thought is a bird of space, that in a cage of words many indeed unfold its wings but cannot fly.

There are those among you who seek the talkative through fear of being alone.

The silence of aloneness reveals to their eyes their naked selves and they would escape.

And there are those who talk, and without knowledge or forethought reveal a truth which they themselves do not understand.

And there are those who have the truth within them, but they tell it not in words.

In the bosom of such as these the spirit dwells in rhythmic silence.

When you meet your friend on the roadside or in the market place, let the spirit in you move your lips and direct your tongue.

Let the voice within your voice speak to the ear of his ear;

For his soul will keep the truth of your heart as the taste of the wine is remembered

When the color is forgotten and the vessel is no more.

from the prophet by kahlil gibran

hold ourselves together with our arms around the stereo

2007-05-22T00:50:00.000-06:00

you're going to be hearing a lot about the national this week. their 4th full-length, boxer, comes out today. we've already featured two tracks here, and i emailed a third, hauntingly sappy one to friends i miss from home. how about another?

the national - apartment story

mtv's subterranean premiered the band's video for "mistaken for strangers," track two on the album, and seven on jeff's mix. i wanna be the guy in headphones.

sam's town

2007-05-16T01:01:00.000-06:00

I sincerely apologize for having dropped off the face of the planet like I have, but thankfully, Sam is here to rescue us all with a mix I've been listening to nonstop for the past 24 hours, and one I hope you'll spend as much time with yourself. Without ado...

SAMANTHA'S MIX: i want people to be afraid of how much they love me [pop-up player]

1. muscle 'n flo - menomena....they have shocked me, shocked me, SHOCKED ME! a lovely surprise and i haven't heard anything like it in years.

2. punctual as usual - the parson red heads....a summer video montage, driving with the windows down in a road-worn saturn, humming along "you are the ground beneath my feet."

3. a king and a queen - okkervil river....a sick, sweet waltz. and i'm a sucker for the horn intro.

4. goodbye - asobi seksu....i bought this cd on a lark when i had a free afternoon and too much money on my debit card. love from the get-go. and she inspires me to learn japanese...one day.

5. stars and sons - broken social scene....i watched half nelson on a snowy, cold saturday morning, wrapped in a blanket at my desk. he started to dance and i just knew.

6. beverly - the carrots....toe tapping, 60s girl harmony that makes me wish i was sipping lemonade and listening to vinyl, my hair up in a beehive and my feet zipped up in a great pair of go-go boots.

7. comfy in nautica - panda bear....wow.

8. wet and rusting - menomena....there's an awesome home-made video of the band members jumping up and down on mini trampolines. just makes me smile.

9. tokyo - headlights...jeff and i have debated many a time the best headlights material, and while i love the new stuff, i always come back to this song. "if home is where the heart is, then home is here." if that doesn't say it all....

10. look! - the antlers....in the attic of the universe is my most unexpected and cherished find. it just sounds like magic. anyone can download the album *FREE* at reloada.uk.com and i suggest that you do.

11. wearing the colors - the laughing....i just want to be in a dark nyc night club, wearing tight pants and grinding up on some rock and roll, indie dude that puts his eye liner on better than i do.

12. crown of love - the arcade fire...i was never a huge af fan until i saw their video at blogotheque and now i'm sifting through the material, hoping to find a real gem. this could be....? might be...? i haven't decided.

13. my moon my man - feist....1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 9 and 10 reasons to love this song. :D haha, and the album for that matter. i wish i was a sealion woman.

14. snow & lights - explosions in the sky....a song i love to get lost in, lying on my floor with my eyes closed, just day dreaming.

15. goodhouses - madeline....be careful; this one will getcha. hauntingly beautiful.

16. sawdust & diamonds - joanna newsom....one long song after another, i know, but she's just such a great story teller. her voice cracks in just the right way and she's totally believable. she could sell me anything and i'd snatch it right up.

17. save your day - jose gonzalez....oh, jose. my lover, you have comforted me on so many nights. he's always ready to wipe away my harshest and fiercest of tears, with never a complaint. oh, jose. and! seeing him live was like seeing the messiah. but better.

18. holland - sufjan stevens....even sad things are beautiful.

19. the apple tree - peter and the wolf...."how lucky to be, so unusally free."

[I'm going to put this up as a ZIP file to download, but I'm having trouble archiving it. Anticipation makes the pleasure.]

--

Libra (September 23-October 22)
"There can be no transformation of darkness into light and of apathy into movement without emotion," wrote psychologist Carl Jung. That should be your motto in the coming week, Libra. Clear thinking and impeccable logic will not be sufficient to guide you to your next great adventure. You need the driving force of succulent emotion rising up in your solar plexus, the lush power of raw sensitivity piercing your heart. Feel as deep as you dare.

just a reminder

2007-05-12T03:59:00.000-06:00

while we're at it, another great.

this is why we gather here.

:)

for mark

2007-05-09T21:49:00.000-06:00

allen ginsberg - howl
allen ginsberg & tom waits - america

chew on this

2007-05-08T14:07:00.000-06:00

charles bukowski - dinosauria, we

born like this
into this
as the chalk faces smile
as Mrs. Death laughs
as the elevators break
as political landscapes dissolve
as the supermarket bag boy holds a college degree
as the oily fish spit out their oily prey
as the sun is masked

we are
born like this
into this
into these carefully mad wars
into the sight of broken factory windows of emptiness
into bars where people no longer speak to each other
into fist fights that end as shootings and knifings

born into this
into hospitals which are so expensive that it's cheaper to die
into lawyers who charge so much it's cheaper to plead guilty
into a country where the jails are full and the madhouses closed
into a place where the masses elevate fools into rich heroes

born into this
walking and living through this
dying because of this
muted because of this
castrated
debauched
disinherited
because of this
fooled by this
used by this
pissed on by this
made crazy and sick by this
made violent
made inhuman
by this

the heart is blackened
the fingers reach for the throat
the gun
the knife
the bomb
the fingers reach toward an unresponsive god

the fingers reach for the bottle
the pill
the powder

we are born into this sorrowful deadliness
we are born into a government 60 years in debt
that soon will be unable to even pay the interest on that debt
and the banks will burn
money will be useless
there will be open and unpunished murder in the streets
it will be guns and roving mobs
land will be useless
food will become a diminishing return
nuclear power will be taken over by the many
explosions will continually shake the earth
radiated robot men will stalk each other
the rich and the chosen will watch from space platforms
Dante's Inferno will be made to look like a children's playground

the sun will not be seen and it will always be night
trees will die
all vegetation will die
radiated men will eat the flesh of radiated men
the sea will be poisoned
the lakes and rivers will vanish
rain will be the new gold

the rotting bodies of men and animals will stink in the dark wind

the last few survivors will be overtaken by new and hideous diseases

and the space platforms will be destroyed by attrition
the petering out of supplies
the natural effect of general decay

and there will be the most beautiful silence never heard

born out of that

the sun still hidden there

awaiting the next chapter

-Charles Bukowski, from The Last Night of the Earth Poems, 1992

[post-thought]

random

2007-05-01T07:53:00.000-06:00

Haikus are easy
But sometimes they don't make sense
Refrigerator
-threadless.org

I had the strangest dream last night. I slept violently, up and down between my couch and bed, each time picking up the dream where I had left it.

I remember flying, most of all. I had built a jet pack, and someone had decided to reproduce the design. I remember crash landing on a darkened suburban block. I remember a house and an open field, earlier, where an older man was tending to a giant swing set. I remember an ornate school, like a castle. I was looking for someone. I found someone, and I remember his water glass and David Mamet book. When I crash landed, I was greeted by a stranger. He told me my jet pack design didn't work, and these millions of replicas were a waste. But my own worked -- didn't it? I did crash land. The stranger took me to safety and spoke to me in confidence. I woke up to Bush's "Machinehead" LOUD on the radio in the other room and lied there awhile, enjoying the song, before thinking I'd wake neighbors and scrambling to turn it off.

Bush - Machinehead

This is very, very important. If you don't know why, google is a good place to start. I have mixes to put up still, I haven't forgotten. Most nights, I fall asleep sadly, knowing I've lost the time to post them, again. Emma, China, Sam... I owe you girls. I'll get them up soon, perhaps in a vicious triple-bill. But in the meantime, read up on this. Between it and the madness spurred on by the RIAA, there's a lot to digest...

On a lighter, more beautiful note... George Lois.

children waiting for the day they feel good

2007-04-19T11:27:00.000-06:00

i took a couple days off at the beginning of the week. from work, from life, i just kind of tuned out. yesterday was spent catching up with the world. in retrospect, i should have just stayed in and watched another movie.

without tv or a daily paper to bring the news, yesterday was the first time i heard of what happened at virginia tech. i don't know what i think. the whole thing sucks.

who can save a world that's already gone?

you may or may not have seen this already, but i think it's a nice b-side to what we've all processed over and over already.

but how about headlights' music video?? [thanks, brenty!] awesome, is what i say. this is what you miss when you turn down the volume and close your eyes for a few days. they're also giving away copies of their tour e.p. at woxy.com.

speaking of internet radio, the hype machine launched theirs yesterday. "it's like listening to the ipod shuffle that the zeitgeist carries around in his pocket." -downhill battle

our girl feist is making waves. she made an awesome music video, too. and the new york times did a think piece on her.

paste magazine band of the week? menomena.

and last but not least, the tolkeins finished that other book. and then salon reviewed it.

on top of all this madness, i walked into work yesterday to learn my boss had been fired, and my building is working the next 22 consecutive days, ten hours a day, no weekends off.

madness.

the only cure for which, at least that i know of... yeah, that's right... pop a cold one, fire one up, and get out your air guitar for the finale...

TUUTHMAN's MIX [pop-up player!]

live, love, rock... :)

jeff's mix/TGIF

2007-04-13T14:58:00.001-06:00

i intend to put up all the necessary links for these artists and albums, like any respectful blogger would, but i'm at work and pressed for time. and i was going to wait to post jeff's mix next week, but i burned it to cd yesterday and took it with me in the car -- the damn thing has "friday" written all over it. the way the playlist disentegrates from stomping, clapping menomena to, well, the flaming lips, kinda befits it being the 13th, too. so. i hope this makes it to you in time... :)

DOWNLOAD JEFFS MIX [ZIP, 108 MB]

01 menomena - muscle 'n' flow
02 you can be a wesley - fire it off
03 broken social scene - cause=time
04 roy - tell it true
05 jigGsaw - dance for me
06 beirut - postcards from italy
07 danna/devotchka - do you think there's a heaven?
08 the little ones - lovers who uncover
09 crystal castles vs health - crimewave
10 asobi seksu - nefi + girly
11 vashti bunyan - somethings just stick in your mind
12 the national - mistaken for strangers
13 sunset rubdown - snakes got a leg III
14 my bloody valentine - when you sleep
15 muse - map of the problematique
16 the flaming lips - feeling yourself disintegrate
17 tv on the radio - dry drunk emperor
18 do make say think - a tender history in rust
19 you can be a wesley - brand new colony (postal service)
hidden track: daniel johnston - devil town

kprs mixtapes: why i'm not a lesbian

2007-04-11T16:15:00.000-06:00

limor was the first to respond when i asked you guys to take over and spin some tunes. i asked her to say a few things about her picks, in the vein of itunes' celeb playlists -- she's kind of my guinea pig for this, but i like how it turned out. if you've already submitted a mix and feel so inclined, i encourage you to do the same as well. anyway, i thought since she got back to me so quickly, i'd put hers up first.

that, and i think she misses nick almost as much as i do. after a whirlwind weekend with him, i'm left a little dizzy and out of sorts. actually, very out of sorts. it's worse than when you were a kid and your dog ran away, every time he comes and goes. and limor's mix is kind of like mom saying, "oh don't worry, he'll be back," and then giving you a popsicle. it doesn't fix the gaping hole in your heart, but you do love popsicles...

why i'm not a lesbian [.zip]
by limor hakim

01. the national - fake empire
[mp3 from boxer | beggar's banquet | the national]
this was actually the first time i'd ever heard one of their songs. immediately i was hooked. they kind of reminded me of murder by death. but i don't have much to go off of, so i could be wrong. i'll find out when i go see them in june. ;)

02. two gallants - steady rollin
[mp3 from what the toll tells | saddle creek | two gallants]
tour. nick played this all the time when we'd load in. this song makes me happy...i have problems, i know.

03. modest mouse - bukowski
[mp3 from good news for people who love bad news | epic records | modest mouse]
i just read tales of ordinary madness... three times in a row...

04. paul westerberg - love untold (live)
[mp3 from come feel me tremble | vagrant records | paul westerberg]
perfect song. Perfect Voice. i'm in awe of the brilliance that is paul westerberg. i only hope that i can write and play and touch with one tenth of the passion and power that he can.

[i'm not sure if the live paul w. concert that limor has is the same one that i do, but i have a few different live versions of "love untold" and this one is my absolute favorite. and, with nick having just been here, come feel me tremble is fresh on my brain. hope you don't mind. -ryan]

05. of montreal - bunny ain't no kind of rider
[mp3 from hissing fauna, are you the destroyer? | polyvinyl records | of montreal]
fun. fun. fun. nick. fun. driving a truck. fun. fun. fun. (i think my hearing is still impaired from seeing them live)

06. mika - grace kelly
[mp3 from life in cartoon motion | casablanca records | mika]
guilty pleasure... ;)

07. piebald - grace kelly with wings
[mp3 from if it weren't for venetian blinds it would be curtains for us all | sideonedummy | piebald]
one bad grace kelly song makes me think of one incredible one.

08. local h - bound for the floor
[mp3 from as good as dead | local h]
adolescent angst that never leaves.

09. bright eyes - lover i don't have to love
[mp3 from lifted, or the story of... | saddle creek | bright eyes]
this was my first introduction to bright eyes. conor's voice, his words, his pain. must have listened to this song at least 100 times when i first got it.

10. britt daniels & brian reitzell - writer's block
[mp3 from the stranger than fiction soundtrack | spoon]
sitting on my couch, frustrated with my guitar skills. i breathe.

11. the black keys - act nice and gentle
[mp3 from rubber factory | nonesuch records | the black keys]
and then i listen to the black keys and remember why i want to play the guitar.

12. the 88 - all cause of you
[mp3 from over and over | mootron records | the 88]
finally, a fucking happy song. i have a problem of only listening to music that hurts my heart. i need a break. seriously.

13. drive-by truckers - a world of hurt
[mp3 from a blessing and a curse | new west records | drive-by truckers]
but still... it's great to be alive... right?

[speaking of, i just read yesterday that jason isbell left the band. pretty sure he's the one singing here. patterson hood explains on the band's site, or check jason's myspace.]

14. m. ward - right in the head
[mp3 from post-war | merge records | m. ward]
his voice. his voice. his voice.

15. modest mouse - fire it up
[mp3 from we were dead before the ship even sank | epic records | modest mouse]
"we ate all the oranges off the navels of our lovers grabbed a book and read the cover." that sounds nice. i'm looking forward to it.

--

one down, a bunch to go! i got china's mix today (still waiting on USPS for yours, emma), and my buddy amanda just told me she caught up on the blog and might mix us a hip hop playlist. and sorry sam, rules are rules... but you know how i feel about those things. surprise me!

mixtapes?

2007-04-09T15:29:00.000-06:00

as expected, i had a rock-out weekend with nick and somehow managed to pull myself together in time for work today. ratatat show and 6th street mayhem on friday, an all-night grindhouse movie marathon at the alamo drafthouse downtown saturday [and, technically, half of sunday], followed by calls home to wish our families a happy holiday, the rest of friday's tequila and a 15-hour crash to top it all off. this morning, i helped his theatre crew load into their performance space and ate lunch with them before coming straight to work. so i apologize for not having an awesome mix posted yet -- but it does give you guys an extra day or so to get them in. so far i have two in my inbox and one on its way to my real mailbox [total bonus points, emma]. and it looks like china is at it, too.

so, let's write today off as a monday-monday and get on with the rocking tomorrow. i've always loved me a tuesday. related note, one of my favorite blogs, idolator, was just banned from OiNK for posting a screenshot of the site's top ten shared torrents on friday, going for a billboard-style tally of the week's most popular albums. too bad for them, but good for you -- that's one less ratio-obsessive power user you'll have to envy when you win your OiNK invitation.

see you on the flipside... :)

so good it'll make your tail curl

2007-04-05T18:24:00.000-06:00

my brother wants to know, "what's the prize if i win the mixtape thing?" well, i guess i didn't think about anyone actually trying to win, but it would be nice to give a token of thanks to maybe a usually-reserved reader, who comes out of the woodwork and surprises me in a stellar way. yeah, stellar...

so, a token is exactly what you'll win -- an invitation token to mega file-sharing community OiNK. they're a pretty strict crowd, in that you have to maintain an approved ratio of uploaded music to downloaded, and i won't actually have an invite to give until i hit some golden number -- but i'm working on it. so what you'll win is a promise of invitation. jeff even suggested i fashion a certificate in-lieu-of, which i just might do. :)

good luck!

gives you source inspiration for new creation!

2007-04-04T14:29:00.000-06:00

that's the tagline on this bag of vietnamese coffee one of the women who works for me brought back from the homeland. and in the honor of inspiration, i raise my mug to our daydreams. may we keep them in our sights and may they soon come true.

our ideas held no water but we used them like a dam... -modest mouse

mark, my brother and i are talking of doing a documentary. mark's helping me take my own idea seriously, and as we map it out i'll keep you in tune. it could turn out being something really special.

you're gonna miss me trailer [http://www.rokymovie.com/]

i've already had a submission for the mixtape contest [thanks limor]! china asked about a deadline -- let's give you guys through the weekend. i know i said i'd only put up three, but judging by how many playlists i get, wouldn't it be cool to put up a different one every day next week? if i have a few by the end of the weekend, i'll start putting them up monday. so you'll have a couple days' buffer if you can't get around to it so soon.

of course, nick is visiting this weekend. if all goes accordingly, i may not be able to move until wednesday...

kprs mixtape contest - vol 1

2007-04-03T15:59:00.000-06:00

[mp3] alanis morissette - my humps

pretty funny. this surfaced yesterday but it's still making the rounds today, so i thought i'd point you in its direction. i've been going back and forth from catching-up-on, to falling-way-the-hell-behind the collective consciousness that is "new music." i guess you could say i've been reprioritizing. breaking down life as-is, and reprioritizing.

but sometimes, the music finds you. these few songs came screaming at me, hurtling through space and materializing in my ears late last night. makes me want to scream at spring that it's got a limited stay this year, summer's begging to come early. my faraway friends, turn up your computer speakers, take your shirts off and spin around the room, fall down on a couch or bed with a sweaty squeal, yeah it's time...

menomena - hustle 'n flo
[mp3 from friend and foe | barsuk records | menomena]

palomar - our haunt
[mp3 from all things, forests | misra records | palomar]

the national - fake empire
[mp3 from boxer | beggar's banquet | the national]

guys and gals, i'm feeling whimsical. your mission, should you choose to accept it: make me a mixtape, kicking off with one of these three songs. whichever one grabs you the most, and/or in the most interesting way. take it and run with it. doesn't have to be new music, doesn't have to be "indie," and it most certainly doesn't have to be perfect. just let the song remind you of another, and another and -- go crazy. feel good. say something. say nothing. rock out.

[edit: i can't seem to get the flash player to play that palomar track. but the link is good, if you can open it in another window or download it.]

those are the rules, for serious, and i'm counting on at least a few of you to deliver. email me your playlist and i'll post the first three who get back to me. just give me artist and track names, and i'll come up with the mp3s. keep it cd-length or shorter, and i'll spin it on kprs and throw up a zip file for everyone to share.

summertime. :)

take me out

2007-04-02T15:55:00.000-06:00

so it's baseball season already? crazy talk. not that i'm a huge fan, but it did seem to sneak up on us unawares, no? anyway, here:

abbot & costello - who's on first?

still one of the funniest routines i've ever heard. picture me at a desk, trying not to fall over.

again, sorry for the absence [as if you've been holding your breath]. i think i've finally recovered from sxsw. the festival itself wasn't the problem, but the come-down in the week(s) after has been harder than i remember it was last year. i mean, yeah, i know it sucks to "go back to the same old," but come on, what a bitch it is this time around. something is different...

strange and exciting things to come.

he put it in the souls of everyone

2007-03-20T00:57:00.000-06:00

dude, are you seriously coming back from a two (three?) week hiatus just to post a fucking KISS song?!

yes.

kiss - god gave rock and roll to you

one day, you'll understand.

[for jeff]

mark jiggsaw

2007-02-28T13:09:00.000-06:00

a funny thing has happened over the past couple of weeks -- i've started taking my job seriously. kind of, strangely, very seriously. i tell you what, though, i am making goddamn waves down here at dell, inc....

in the meantime, ol' boy jiggsaw does the legwork for me and makes his own headline. i got a myspace announcement a week ago from mark, saying I just started a solo page and put 5 new songs up.... color me sold. he had told me he came home inspired one night and started singing over ratatat tracks, and was planning on putting something together. i had no idea it would be this cool, though.

ratatat ft. mark jiggsaw - selling feelings

you can check out the rest of the tracks at his new myspace page, where mark will also tell you to buy the ratatat album, because he's damn, dirty pirate and did this all without permission.

rock!

barack obama in austin yesterday

2007-02-24T21:59:00.000-06:00

[if you follow the link to youtube, the rest of his speech is scattered through the "related videos" section.]

smoking popes - pure imagination

everything around him turns to dust

2007-02-19T05:52:00.000-06:00

so i've gotta renege [do you ever just want to make out with your dictionary?] on my promise of an epic post. i'd been holding onto tiny thoughts all week, scribbled onto post-its and the backs of opened envelopes, stuffed in pockets of jeans, jacket and bag, with the intention of expanding on each when i found the time to. but when i got home from work today and downloaded a security update waiting for me from apple -- in lappy's current condition, i knew this was risky -- my hopes for some late-night, sunday poeticism went swirling down the drain. after installing and restarting, i was left with a beautiful aqua blue screen and not much else. so, understanding my fickle little machine like i do, i powered her down and waited [sometimes she just needs a nap]. i dug through one of my boxes still [still] unpacked from the move, found volume 2 of "larry's last tuesday" and, after uncapping una cerveza, put it in the cd player and sat, back to the wall, eyes closed and reminiscing our old once-a-week retreat to the white horse in champaign. take me now, larry:

larry gates - radio cure (wilco)

[even though you were never there and kind of hate me now, this makes me think of you, laurie.]

it didn't take too long, nor much of the beer, to make me sappily text message everyone from the old tuesday troupe, "listening to larry... miss my tues crew." jerkass-paul called me only a couple minutes later, and we spent the next hour catching up after months of our own absence from one another. we talked of turntables and lacks of social life, and music we'd each come across and wanted to share. he hooked me up with an oink invite, which i'd tried to acquire some time ago, but failed, which made me more than happy. with lappy slowly crawling towards her end, and applications picking and choosing when they want to run, i've lost nearly all downloading capability -- you don't understand how crippled this makes me feel -- and this gives me a new, untapped avenue to keep finding the music that keeps me going.

in related news, modest mouse's new album leaked on thursday. with lappy like she is, i'd ruled out the possibility of finding the album if it were to leak before its march 20 release, but, as a modest mouse album always seems to do, it found me instead. i copied nick on the find, and knowing i'd have to spend all weekend with the album if i wanted us to have anything to talk about for the next month, i did just that. i finally hooked up the surround system he loaned me while he's on tour [nick: "i'd rather you take them to texas than know they're going unused"] and kept my neighbors up night and day listening to the thing. it's good.

but the song of the night belongs to jerkass, who was the cherry on top of a wonderful weekend. "you ever hear of the band 'crosby, stills, nash and young?" he asked me a few minute into our conversation. of course, i said. but i'd never heard of the hollies, graham nash's band beforehand. after a little wikipedia work, i see that CSN&Y put out the live 4 way street [amazon] in '71, and that's where nash steps up to the mic for this acoustic version of the hollies' "king midas in reverse":

hollies - king midas in reverse

he'd even like to sleep at night
but he can't...

vincent at the supermarket

2007-02-18T04:53:00.000-06:00

velvet underground & nico - sunday morning

still promising a monster post later today, this is really a saturday nightcap. my overtired brain leads me to the strangest places about this time every morn. frayed heartstrings, meet vincent:

before vincent, i used to say, "no way am i even thinking of marriage or kids until i've found a super reliable job." now, i say, "give me a digital camera and let's make babies already!" [any takers?]

photo by carlosluis. watch the worth-every-second-of-it slideshow here.

sorry -- time of day notwithstanding, i'm a sucker for this shit. :)

life is hilarious...

2007-02-16T04:26:00.000-06:00

slow week, i know. but... happy friday!

[go on, watch it again!]

big post this weekend. promise.

[again!]

:)

RE: Greetings from Becky (Harbaugh) Wright

2007-02-15T14:37:00.000-06:00

> Sent: Thu, 15 Feb 2007 13:24:23 -0600
> Subject: Fwd: Retirement
>
> I hope this finds you well and still making music!
>
> Mrs. Freese is retiring this year and as a surprise to her, we are
> putting together a book of “musical” memories. I hope you might
> take time to write a memory or a good wish – even a photo – and
> return to me at THS, 815 Springfield Road, Taylorville, IL 62568
> or rwright@taylorvilleschools.com.
>
> I want to present the book to her at this year’s production of My
> Fair Lady, March 30th and 31st.
>
> It would be wonderful to see you there! I know it would please
> Mrs. Freese as well.
>
> Hope to hear from you and see you soon!
>
> Becky

my brain is coming apart

2007-02-14T13:41:00.000-06:00

happy valentines. smirk.

adriel harris - i dreamed a highway back to you
[adriel harris, of chicago's elanors. song belongs to gillian welch.]

jigga what

2007-02-12T22:35:00.000-06:00

man, that jiggsaw show must be something to brag about -- our boys at banddot.com snazzed up their site for jigga's video podcast debut. jiggsaw followed by headlights? crazy talk...

in other news, here's an awesome dude on rollerblades somehow playing bottles:

2007-02-07T21:29:00.000-06:00

you, you're awesome

2007-02-02T03:11:00.000-06:00

for the trip to the airport:

explosions in the sky - all of a sudden i miss everyone
do make say think - you, you're awesome
tom waits - bone machine
roy - killed john train
wolf parade - apologies to the queen mary
bloc party - a weekend in the city
velvet underground - the velvet underground
paul westerberg - besterberg
of montreal - hissing fauna, are you the destroyer?
m. ward - transfiguration of vincent

too bad the airport's only an hour and a half away -- kinda makes me want to spend eight hours in the car.

dad, i'll call when i land! mark, chill the shot glasses! erin fein, pick out your goddamn sexiest, cuz i'm coming home!

B-)

bring it

2007-02-01T18:15:00.000-06:00

again, why i love...

2007-02-01T00:37:00.000-06:00

...said the gramophone:

howard tate - chain gang (sam cooke)

Tate is rewarded for his bravery, not only because he is a brilliant singer, but also because he has surrounded himself with a band consisting of several very bad dudes. The guitarist, for instance, has tone as warm as a perfect bath and as delicate as the bath bubbles that only a philistine would do without. The drummer, who plays a funk beat with brushes, is so gentle and tender that I imagine him playing with one hand and warming milk on the stove for his babies with the other. Or maybe he's a quadruped who drums with one paw, warms milk with another, writes cheques to the United Way with a third, and cuddles the elderly with his fourth. Listening to him now, he may even be an insect, or perhaps, an arachnid. In any case, after we hear from the chain gang for the second time, as the plodding rhythm is about to give way to the more fluid verse, Howard Tate starts to really blow.

this song also seems to be a perfect example of why i love music, and the joy there is in the exchange of it. from you to me. from me to you. with nothing more than the hope that it might make you smile, like it just made me. because it's beautiful and i'd like to share it with you.

le sigh... i'll be leaving for san antonio airport in about 24 hours. i'll be back in champaign early-afternoon friday.

how cool is that?

reign over me

2007-01-29T23:06:00.000-06:00

also, why i <3 said the gramophone:
""Nightmares" is as dark as the title would suggest, grim pizzicato violins till the drums start to thunder and Craig B intones: "Only... love... can... save me now." (It begs for a Jay-Z remix. "Haha, I'm here! To save you! Now listen here as I show you the way; when Hova comes he comes to stay!") The track forsakes an emotional arc, preferring to be a statement of where-the-singer's-at (a bad place) and what-he-really-wants (love). Now before we scoff, consider how true this banality is for many of us. Where are we at? Places that are occasionally bad. What do we really want? Love. Aereogramme deliver "Nightmares" with all the drama the situation calls for: they throw themselves into this bad dream, play it like it matters. And it doesn't feel anything less than honest.

a monkey tale

2007-01-29T04:28:00.000-06:00

[dedicated to mark] there once lived a young capuchin monkey, named ampersand, who worked in the HR division of a corporate barrel grinder maker, basin barrels. basin, while often recognized for innovations in barrel grinder technology, was most renowned for its direct model barrel grinder, an affordable, high-quality, customized barrel for both the professional performing organ grinder, and the at-home hobbyist. ampersand himself had a certain passion for his tiny, shiny lap-top barrel grinder, and had, over the years, collected many rare and hard-to-find music rolls to play on it. secretly, he sought to share this music with the world, with hope to encourage and sustain a growing community in music.

you should also know that, once, ampersand owned a pet lovebug, named hobbes, whom, ampersand believed, loved him very much (and whom ampersand loved equally in return). one day, hobbes escaped out the back door, and never returned. ampersand was heartbroken.

ampersand eventually came across a new lovebug, named stevie, who wasn't really a lovebug, but a hatebug disguised as as lovebug. ampersand had no clue until, one day, he came home from the barrel grinder factory to find that steve had chewed up some rods and levers on his beloved laptop barrel grinder. furious, ampersand threw steve out the window. despite ampersand's continued mourning the loss of hobbes, he is painfully reminded of steve's hatred every day, as he opens the laptop to play.

ampersand has travelled far, across a desert and into a rather structured jungle, to work for basin barrels, only to find he misses the thrill of his wild country days. while he's grateful for the change of pace and decent wages, he longs for the days of street grinding. soon, he thinks, he might return to to those cobblestone roots and working for bananas. for now, he pretends he's on a journey of epic, primatial proportions and continues to take what he needs from the experience of working for a despairingly smart, and profitable, barrel grinder company.

like a brand new rodboard for his beautiful little laptop at home. which happens to work like a charm.

to celebrate, he'd like to play you an oldie but goodie. per "found" request over at the girl across the street from the girl next door's place. i'd forgotten i gave a copy of this mix to her, but then again, i'm not surprised -- i gave a lot of close friends a burned cd-r of the mix. anyone i thought would understand. i know i gave colleen a copy, for she was my sophomore-year sister of slitwrist thinking; i'm sure greg got one, and i know nick and i spent a few speechless, summer hours on the couch, watching this mix have-at the itunes visualizer on our tv screen. it was a very personal project, born from the long and grey days of a february depression, and the music on the radio and on my laptop (yeah, same one) that helped me survive it. even as i listen to it now, i feel like it's a conversation with my old self, sitting in my old bedroom, the sights and smells of this room taking on the ones of memory...

before anyone else, though, i sent it to jeff. and this, brother, is where i invite you to finish the yarn i've begun spinning -- it's my favorite part. i'll be checking comments religiously, bro, so don't dally.

but without further ado: they don't love you like i love you. [even i've lost my original copy -- there's a zip file of the whole mix here, too. <3 ryan]

2007-01-26T13:32:00.000-06:00

final fantasy - the pooka sings

what goes up...

2007-01-25T17:06:00.000-06:00

Suha: One day things will be better.
Taxidriver Suha: Sounds like you're not from here.
-paradise now [imdb]

in addition to upping the number of music blogs i subscribe to, i've started investing my internet time in digg, a user-driven website that links to and rates news articles its members find worthy of note. which is broadening the rest of my perspectives. it puts me back in touch with the technology news i used to pour over in my dad's waiting room, in magazines like popular science and popular mechanics (popular popular popular), which the nerd inside me is singing about. and with my being a mac guy, the growing... popularity... in steve jobs and apple give me a lot to read up on, too. but what i'm most happy (happy?) to hold digg responsible for is my finally-growing interest in politics and society. i used to pick up a newspaper and feel like i was drowning in too much talk i didn't know anything about. i've kept relatively afloat -- i know there's this big, shitty war in iraq, troops are dying, the world largely disapproves of our presence there, etc; i know we also have troops in afghanistan, so apparently the terrorists are still out there; i feel like, more or less, the middle east has just gone to shit; i know south korea [edit: north? thanks, jbu. told you guys] is out of its mind and possesses insanely dangerous weapons; i know congress was overwhelmingly republican and just rebalanced itself (i think), which is a good thing (i think); a woman and a black man are both hopefuls for presidency '08 (which, not for any sexist or racial reason, frightens me; who knows how this crazy, redneck country would react if either one wins) -- i've got the gist. and i've got teeny, tiny opinions on some things, but ones i would never voice because i still feel so ill-informed. somewhere along the line i turned into a very selfish person, and spend most of the day in my own head, only concerned with me and my own, which, when i do step outside and look around, doesn't really, substantially, amount to a whole lot.

i like to think i've kept a "work hard, play hard" attitude through life, but i've realized, sometimes that's all i do. i've become uncultured. i don't really read, other than about what's happening with the shins' new record or which project brad pitt is taking on next. i took my education for granted every step of the way, and while i remember a lot about the experiences i had (plays i was in, jobs held, friendships found and lost), my retention of anything textbook is pretty small. i guess my theatre courses were more about experience and training, from which i did learn a lot about myself, but i was burned out by the rest of academia. i mostly skated by. which, mostly, worked.

anyway... i don't know what i'm trying to say. today is another off day. and after being in such a good mood almost all day yesterday. i text messaged jeff about ten o'clock last night, to say that i could almost feel the good chemicals at work in my brain. and i could, i wanted to dance. but today... eh. it's complicated. and i have no doubt that my continuing enlightenment of the state of the world, with its fighting and its dying and nuclear weapons, and its poverty and its heartache, has a lot to do with it -- i dream of saving the world, but the truth is, i'm the least capable candidate out of everyone. what can i do, play everyone a song on the radio? make everyone a mixtape? polyphonic spree for kim jong-il...

but to today's credit, it is beautiful outside. i wish i'd have woken up earlier and enjoyed some of it. i did wake up to old compadre mario's humbling account of a family wedding in jamaica:

"I felt very tourist, very American, bumbling blindly through this other world taking mental pictures and being laughed at in Portuguese. I wanted to strip off my clothes, tear out my braids, peel off my nationality. I wanted terribly to be anyone but me, drunk and stoned on the last night of my vacation, bloated on college pizza, paying for beers next to an open bar not knowing how to tell these people that I really was poor back home."

i've been out of touch with mario, though my admiration for him and his writing keeps trucking. we did just befriend each other on facebook... maybe a reunion isn't too far.

back to work.

new favorite.

2007-01-24T06:29:00.000-06:00

tech support call [from the idolator podcast. click here to subscribe]

i added them to my music blog bookmarks after evaluating stereogum readers' picks of 2006 a month back, but haven't really dug into idolator until tonight. you know by now my mindless morning schedule -- well, the past couple hours have been spent with idolator alone (and i only made it as far back in the archives as last tuesday). i haven't been this intimate with anything since... well, that's just embarrassing.

Like Vioxx and the Patriot Act, music blogs were supposed to improve our lives: At a time when only a handful of carefully manicured acts could sleaze their way into the top 10, the music blogosphere was going to serve as the great equalizer, deflating the MTV-assisted hype machines and giving the asleep-at-the-wheel music mags a run for their ad money. They were as DIY as the zine movement and as musically savvy as the college-radio jockeys of the '80s. Finally, the power was in the hands of the people--very nerdy people, mind you, but they were a lot better than the record execs whose biggest claim to fame was discovering Crazy Town.

For a while, it seemed to be working--without Internet support, it's doubtful that bands like Cold War Kids or Clap Your Hands Say Yeah would have ascended so quickly. But in the last year, the music-blog netherworld has become as homogenized and indistinguishable as the record labels themselves. What used to be a wildly unpredictable chorus of opinions has been solidified into a cabal, one that consists of a half-dozen or so self-empowered pasty white dudes daisy-chaining each others' opinions, all using an adjective-addled lexicon that's one part Lester Bangs, one part street-person crazy talk. Meanwhile, the bands are all starting to sound the same; If we hear one more band that sounds like a cross between Pavement and Talking Heads, we're going to stab ourselves in the eye with an aqua-colored Nano.
[idolator manifesto]

also of note, stereogum gets served and idolator's banned-from-blogs word list.

at this point in the post, it's just fun to say, "idolator." idolator idolator idolator...

fuck yeah!

2007-01-24T03:48:00.000-06:00

headlights on daytrotter.
daytrotter is the indie rock shot at a peel sessions. no kidding. is it my place to be proud of these guys?

question.

2007-01-23T02:36:00.000-06:00

[yeah, i know, i said i wasn't going to get on here when i got home, but seriously, come on...]

i'm listening right now to KUT, a local public station broadcasting from somewhere in university of texas' campustown. different from KVRX, in that it isn't a full-fledged "college" station, and you don't have to be a student to work there. i contacted the station manager at KVRX before i left champaign, asking about the place and what my chances of getting a gig were. she replied a couple days later and, to my disappointment, by not being in school, i had no chances at all. my days of masquerading as a student, after a year or so of not actually being one, just to work in student radio, were over. or, at least, i'm not confident i could pull off the stunt down here. but she did explain to me the coolest part about KVRX -- by day, the station is mild-mannered KOOP, another local, public access station; it isn't until nightfall that the frequency transforms into its student-run alternative ego. a lot of the daytime programming is your run-of-the-mill NPR crap, but they do reserve some airtime for music programming, which was where my opportunity lied.

but being the night owl i am, i'd love nothing more than to retire from my corporately-driven workday, circa 2am, into the arms of a worn-down rolling chair in a too-small studio and kill a couple of hours with a few listeners and a stackful of cds... and, by the looks of it, KUT is where that opportunity lies.

funny enough, one of the elderly security guards at the building i work at, is in a local jazz band and has a friend who works for KUT. i gave him my contact information a couple months ago, and he said he'd put in the good word, as long as i promised him and his boys some airplay if and when i got the gig. and if and when i do, i certainly will.

but the planets are aligning, the heavens parting, electricity is in the air -- my time is now. jeff's incredible girlfriend, sam, creative fairy that she is, has in mind some grassroots ideas for promoting KPRS, which couldn't possibly be more inspiring than it is. suddenly, i'm fucking excited about this again, and have a million ideas of my own. if i can really get this thing on its feet, maybe it'll help me get that job at KUT. or, if i let myself get carried away (soooo easy and FUN to do), who knows what else?? someone, anyone, pick me up and give me purpose!

so my question. that i pose to you. is: if i take my little idea and turn it into a nightly thing, would you listen? if i spent those six wasted hours at work secretly prepping an hour-long or two-hour show, and these five or six sleepless ones every morning, recording and editing the little monster, ready for your reception by the time you rise -- would you have me? would you listen on your computer as you finish up last night's homework? download me to your ipod before you leave for class? burn me to CD for your drive to work?

and if the answer could be yes, what would you want out of this? my big bent about radio is that it's about community, as much for you as it is for me. and this isn't just going to be the weekly mixtape i've been playing around with. it'll be a lot of work and a lot of learning and probably a lot of time before it's anything worth faithfully listening to, but it'll be for real. let me know.

in emotionally related, but otherwise not-so, news, pronoia came today, while i was at work. as did a care package from mom, filled with dried fruit, cookies, her sinfully good homemade snickers bars (i've already had like five), and a little, thank-you-lord-for-my-mom cash. i'm going to forego my six feet under to give into this crazy book and sticky its pages with caramelly fingers. in a moment like this, it's hard not to believe the world really is conspiring to shower a guy with blessings...

--

UPDATE 4:42a: still haven't touched the book, but did help myself to more of mom's snickers. the best thing about them is that they all melted together in the mail, and you have to eat them with a fork. and somehow, you still get caramel all over you.

i got sidetracked by an away message of a guy i used to work with at wpgu, that said he had a new blog post. he's a funny guy who i enjoyed while i knew him, so i decided to seek him out in the blogosphere, see if i could track down what's probably a great story.

instead of finding his blog [jackie, you'll love this], i found fitz's. fitz is a total prick who i did NOT enjoy in the least, but i gotta hand it to the guy, he's much smarter and funnier than i. we probably would have gotten along, had i met him before he turned into a total douche.

but read that page, start at the bottom and work your way up. he completely blasts wpgu, brazenly but eloquently lashing out at illini media in a way a lot of us dreamt of, but never could articulate. hell of a writer. i find myself wondering what he's up to.

--

SECOND UPDATE 5:17a: let myself get sidetracked by a link on fitz's blog to his friend emily katherine's blog. how can douches have such non-douche friends? i'll never understand this.

emily katherine is not a douche because she loves google for all the right reasons. and, she's more insightful and articulate than i.

i'm becoming less and less enthused about my own life, by the minute.

--

5:31a: i realize you guys don't have hours to spend trivializing your existence compared to the more interesting ones of others (bet you watch a lot of reality tv though, huh?) -- but this [again via fitz, you bastard] is too fucking good.

luckily, i'm coming down from the snickers, and my bed is looking pretty inviting. pronoia will have to wait another day. fuck, so will laundry...

--

not even posting the time. this erskine guy is something else.

why i'm still up, laughing hysterically out loud and eating homemade snickers like there's no tomorrow [today?].

one more --

2007-01-23T00:26:00.000-06:00

i've done enough internetting here at work that i don't think i'll partake in anymore once i get home. i'm going to try to do laundry (you don't get it, i really have a hard time doing productive things), and i really want to read... we'll see.

but i found this and had to...

[postsecret]

like a quickie in the back room

2007-01-22T21:32:00.000-06:00

i'm at work right now. and since most of my work only takes up four of the ten hours i'm here, i have a little time to kill. i spent my lunch break online (imagine that) and notebooked a loooot of links to look into when i get home, but i couldn't let this one wait -- dictionary.com 2006 words of the year.

my all-time favorite word, serendipty, makes a quiet showing; but i'm really here to brag once more on my boy google, who really does win all the games. :)

the night inside me

2007-01-22T05:29:00.000-06:00

can't sleep, again. here's tonight's cool website roundup:

banksy is britain's "art terrorist" who tags walls in cities around the world with his socially-aware spraypainting. pretty stinking cool. before i realized it, i'd looked at the whole site, and 45 minutes had gone by. so now you've been warned. i don't know jack shit about the political or social climate of things, but some of the stuff he did on the barrier between bethlehem and jerusalem is really moving.

--

the boombox museum. the more i spend these long nights idle, the more i realize i should be doing something creative with this time (or at least my laundry). i'm thinking a lot about kprs and exactly where i want to go with it. naturally, i start by thinking about a redesign. anyway, you can bet on seeing one or many of these bad-boy boomboxes pop up sooner or later...

--

readymechs are "free, flatpack toys for you to print and build. They are designed to fit on an 8.5″x11″ page and printed with any printer. You’ll need double-sided tape, thick matte paper, and 10-15 minutes for build time." awesome! wish i had a printer. [via konardo, who also showed me the very first pac man skull]

--

packetgarden also looks way cool. it grows a virtual "garden" based on the information your computer collects from and sends to different web servers when you use the internet, which you can then "explore." i haven't tried it yet, but there is a mac beta and if i can't sleep in the next hour, i'm going to start growing a goddamn jungle.

--

probably from kanardo again, but at this point i've lost track: anticon - hooded sweatshirts for graffiti artists, ugly people, snowboarders, fetishists... or just superheroes. why not?

--

and when the smokes and beer are gone and everywhere is closed, you have time to start thinking about the bigger picture: "the threat of a second nuclear age and the expected consequences of climate change push the doomsday clock closer to midnight." [taken from brusasco's blog earlier tonight, not in the mood to read it right now, might be too much for my crazy brain. but i know if i put it here, i'll narcissistically get around to it later.]

--

actually, i just realized that almost all of these links are from kanardo's blog. shit.

--

well, then, last and certainly not least, google toolbar. i couldn't tell you why i haven't installed this until now, other than that firefox does a pretty good job of being cool on its own. but i saw the link for it tonight and remembered that google has never done us wrong before, and figured what the hell. and of course, it does things uber cool, like translate every word you highlight into another language. amazing. hats off again, guys. how about you make an awesome JOB for me?

whew.

2007-01-21T21:40:00.000-06:00

when i did my late-night/early-morning show on wpgu last fall, i took what liberties i thought my seniority allowed and shaped a show that i, as a radio fan, would have made a point to tune into at three o'clock on a saturday night. it was good, clean, drunk and stoned fun, inspired by the night itself, dreading the morning to come.

the 3:00 hour was devoted to live music, dubbed "the show after the show," where i did my best to track down live versions of songs by bands who were in town that weekend, or in chicago, or maybe an artist we played every day, who happened to have made an in-studio stop at kexp or woxy that week. sometimes i'd find enough of one or two artists to fill the hour, like an opening and closing act at a real live show; sometimes it was a whole mix of live tracks.

but the thrill, for me, was in the weekly hunt, and never knowing what i might find. i'm a stickler for quality, so some crowded-room, spot-mic recording where you can't hear the band over the talk of the crowd, wouldn't do. if i couldn't find a decent mp3 file and had to record the set myself, from a streaming broadcast, i'd do it. if the frontman banters too much, or takes too long tuning his guitar, i'd pop the file into an editor and snip it out. it could be a week-long, passionate affair, or sometimes a hot and sweaty romp thrown together on the fly.

and it was a great opportunity to plug a band and their tour, or if you find a really great interview online, it was a chance to let the band plug themselves and their own tour. and you know as well as i do, the kind of magic that happens in a live venue vs a studio session. which you can't fully translate without being there, i know, but it was the idea that we all missed out on a great show, whether it's a bonnaroo bootleg that just surfaced online, the headlights performance at a college town in indana, or the couple of songs silversun pickups played when they stopped by the station earlier that day -- and we're all gathered here to enjoy it now. it was all in the spirit of RADIO -- where else can you do something like this?

and of course, the response was mixed, if anyone even bothered to listen. but it was my ride, and if you didn't want to come along, hey, you're the one missing out, man.

to bring the story full circle, kwaya na kisser, my blogging purveyor of rare and hard-to-find (he put up some hotel room recordings of lou reed and nico about a month ago), posted a live set by jeff mangum, the man behind neutral milk hotel. [aside: heindl gave me their second album, in the aeroplane over the sea, a little over two years ago, but it wasn't really until mark broke it out over beers in the library at the IDF that it really did a number on me. i could one day be quoted as saying that all on its own, it crawled into my heart and planted seeds, that bloomed into love for everything and everyone. there's something hauntingly magical in this.]

i actually did a live music hour ft. jeff mangum in my last couple months at wpgu. it was a song-for-song replay of his 2001 coffeehouse set, live at jittery joe's, tracked down (and purchased) on emusic. i was in the middle of falling in love with in the aeroplane, and the hour was as much for me as it was for anyone else. jittery joe's has since become a favorite catch, kept in my car for cozy company on lonely drives.

this last hour, though, sitting here in my living room, might have been even more special than that hour in the studio, months ago. i haven't checked this site in about a week, and since then, kwaya's apparently limiting live sets to a three-day lifespan on his mp3 server, to conserve bandwidth. he posted this show four days ago, so i'm lucky to have found it on his day of rest. it's my giddiness, still, that's fueling this entire post.

--

me, i have no bandwidth issues, since, much like the old days, listenership is scarce. so without further ado, via kwaya na kisser, jeff mangum in the world of wild beards:

Thank God for Wikipedia, we no longer have to pretend we know more than it tells us. Here's the wiki info on this gig:

"The relative success of the album (In the Aeroplane Over the Sea) in addition to the pressures of being suddenly thrust into the spotlight took its toll on (Jeff) Mangum, who disbanded Neutral Milk Hotel in 1998 after a tour in support of their latest album. Jeff has kept out of the public eye since then (although not without intrusive fans speculating on his whereabouts), rarely if ever playing acoustic sets and concentrating more on his recorded sound and music collages.

On April 2, 2001, Mangum and friends Laura Carter and Chris Knox played a gig-Mangum's first in two years-at the King's Arms in Auckland, New Zealand. The band was billed as "World of Wild Beards Incorporated", a throwaway pseudonym which Mangum varied to 'Walking Wall of Beards Incorporated' whilst addressing the audience between songs."

See poster if you're still confused. Fantastic live recording, very clear even in its lossy state. Jeff jokes about everything from his nervous breakdown to pubic hair.

two-headed boy
i love how you love me
song against sex
king of carrot flowers pt. 1
king of carrot flowers pts. 2 & 3
everything is
gardenhead/leave me alone
ghost
oh comely
engine
in the aeroplane over the sea
banter/world of wild beards explained
mother (john lennon cover)

--

in other news, i trekked downtown today to sign my brother and i up to volunteer at south by southwest. we'll be on the podcasting crew mon-thurs, and working as ushers at one of the film festival screenings on fri.

and the bears are going to the superbowl! i'm not a huge sports fan, but even i know that's a big deal. so, cool. good sunday.

in love with a black and white picture of martha wainwright

2007-01-21T00:03:00.000-06:00

but this isn't it. this is by josh petker. you can find both him and martha, all decked out in pretty purple, at music is art.

[i just sighed so exacerbatingly, you might have felt it from where you sit. did you? i'm sorry. going to bed as the sun rises and waking just before it sets, sure makes these night hours crawl...]

always on the same page as i, jeff thinks we need to find a way to be vampires, and i really think he's onto something. i told him how the half-mexican goth girl i work with very well might be one, we've kissed and she bit my lip so hard i swore she was after blood. i told nick about this vampire idea, and then my other idea of how i think it'd be great if we get to be cellmates one day (we're all about ideas tonight). he reasoned that we've done a good enough job of keeping each other out of our own criminal histories, our chances of life together behind bars aren't so bad.

so that's the new, tentative plan c (vampires being b, and making something beautiful still up there as number a). and when will that happen? i'm doing everything wrong. i swear, at the rate i'm going, with no food or money or friends to my name, it's literally a matter of days before i pick up that guitar and start making something out of this mess of a young man. how long before someone blogs about me?

and, without further ado, a nice little saturday night mp3 e.p. --

okkervil river - girl i knew, guy i met
sufjan - chicago (live, wnyc 2003)
the velvet underground - pale blue eyes
okkervil river - love to a monster
jose - hints (live, kexp 2006)
will sheff (okkervil river) - for real (live/solo/piano/fuckme)

if i still had a church sanctuary downstairs, you'd better believe i'd be at that piano bench right now. [p.s. thanks, unabashed sheff lover for the help on those track titles! "brother," btw. :)]

it's always about what you need in a moment to feel complete, to feel balanced. one cigarette or two, or one and one fourth, or a cup of coffee or a bottle of beer, or a bottle of tequila, or a certain song or a sad movie or anything loud, or someone's touch, or you neet to get off, or you need to not see anyone at all and maybe take a nap... but you're never full, never just right, and the hope is you can find the one person who never leaves you wanting anything again...

inspired by jeff's idea, i'm about to have myself a mini-marathon of claret-colored cine -- the lost boys, near dark (i just realized i watched this once, in my film studies class), and the hunger await me. should take me right up until sunrise.

i'm working on downloading six feet under, too. with about ten bucks to last me until payday, it's going to take a season or two of something to pacify this restless boy.

speaking of blood suckers, i spent some time with ol' buk tonight:

ah, shit. i guess setting my ashtray on my coffee cup wasn't a good idea after all, i just spilled both onto the carpet. i'd better go take care of this...

--

UPDATE 6:50a: i kicked that stain's ass. and near dark wins the prize. the hunger was just weird. now to waste some time on youtube until the sun burns me up.

black sheep trailer (not what you think)

rodrigo y gabriela. it's okay, you can watch it again. and again. ;)

ooh, they even teach you how to be this awesome. if you don't fall for gabriela like i just did, you crazy...

all right, i'm done. night.

you can only be me right now to really appreciate it, but

2007-01-20T05:33:00.000-06:00

the movie, with its sweeping, orchestral score, climaxes and closes, a quick fade to black before the picture cuts out to reveal the desktop background on my tv screen.

there stands jeff, ribs-deep in the gulf of mexico, looking down at a reflection twice as large as he. the sun is off screen to the right somewhere, reflecting white off the clouds behind him, which in turn reflect white off the water around him. hair hanging in his eyes, he studies his own image, rippling below his chest, or, maybe, the sand and rocks he's tumbling around with his toes.

the tv hums quietly. faucet drips in the kitchen (of course). computer purring before me. i can almost feel sand between my own toes, and i wiggle them slowly. but it only helps the memory to fade.

i sit still, almost not breathing, and try to hear the waves, the seagull in the distance, try to smell the warmth of the air that only exists now in the pixels and resolution of my tv screen.

p.s. new mix. a little old, a little new, a little everything i'm listening to. jeff and i started a mix about a week ago, you'll see some of that here. it's pretty thrown together, but it has its high points. spoilers: a killer roy --> teddybears segue right off the bat; and, thinking ahead, how good would the shins' "a comet appears" chirping intro sound after bloc party's "waiting for the 7.18"? it settles pretty quickly into a mellow mood (decemberists b-side is for you, dad), so brew up some of that leftover decaf holiday blend, and kick back...

for nick

2007-01-19T22:44:00.000-06:00

a poem, from the book i got you for christmas but still haven't sent. i'm sorry, i'm just really bad about sending things on time. miss you.

"syracuse nights"
stephen dobyns

so your belly feels hungry
and your prick feels hungry
and you hit the streets because your eyes
feel empty and your hands feel empty
your days feel empty, a body
like tepid water and you want it hotter,
want each moment to beat faster.
is this how it happens, my friend?
forget the ardent embraces of your chair,
that your rug adores you and your bed
hankers for the heft of your body.
your nose wants to sniff something,
your tongue wants to taste something,
your throat to drink something,
your fingers to argue, hands argue,
your feet want to whoop-de-doo,
while if your prick had a set of wheels
it would check out the town without you,
it would cruise the side streets without you.
is that how you feel, my friend?
that the air dislikes you and your lungs
feel half empty, your belly half empty?
where do you go when the town shuts down?
you are sick of books and the tv sucks
and you'd like to see one guy haul off
and smack another in the chops or watch
a girl strip off her clothes or have
somebody tell you what makes him fear
in that gray time before dawn or what
he loves or hates or makes him sad
or makes him stand up straight.
is that what you want, my friend?
aren't you afraid that people won't like you,
that the mailman won't respect you,
that the cops will come after you?
eskimos, indians, they've all got your number.
and women? wipe that slobber
from your chin, my friend. try to calm
your trembling hand. even a sheep
would look at you askance. you're
a suspicious character, an eager eater,
a subdivider of many pleasures
and you want it all to move faster,
the blood to move faster, the heart faster,
something on the brain besides this waiting,
this half-alert napping, the body hurtling forward
so fast that the wind sucks tears from the eyes,
a motorcycle on a straight road late at night,
tears streaking your cheeks, engine howling,
dark boredoms shrieking past on either side.
heartfelt, brainfelt, bodyfelt, prickfelt,
rushing full tilt toward your personal zero:
leave a hole, fill in the blank,
i guess your guess is as good as mine.
is that how the nights take you, my friend?

roy - reno, i'm coming home

this song is like an arrow through my head right now. sticking out on either side, piercing through this mess of thoughts, for which it seems i'll never find words...

father asks, is it worth it?
you're broke and in debt too.
mother asks, are you homesick
lonesome and blue?
your twenties will soon be over
and you haven't paid your dues
your classmates already got
some years on you....

see you in april, buddy. love yous.

sneak peek

2007-01-18T04:43:00.000-06:00

this is an excerpt from the book i just ordered for both my dad and me. like i say in my gift note: was drunk on tequila and reading sextrology, reminded me of horoscopes in 'buzz' magazine in CU, by this brezsny. read one review of his book and was sold. got one for both of us -- we could start this week off on the same 'page'... ;) fly

"brezsny" is rob breszny, author of free will astrology, a favorite section of hometown weekly buzz magazine. he apparently has a book. i bought two copies as a trigger-happy but whole-hearted nod to what may be what i love about my dad the most: an undeterred enthusiasm for the journey of life (alongside an envied faith in magic, dreams, love and possibility).

i lifted this straight from amazon.com's "peek inside this book" adobe acrobat reader. typed it. word for word. took like twenty minutes, so at least give it a chance, would ya? from rob breszny's "laugh out loud" (i did) pronoia is the antidote for paranoia: how the whole world is conspiring to shower you with blessings:

apostle of hustle - my sword hand's anger

thousands of things go right for you every day, beginning the moment you wake up. through some magic you don't fully understand, you're still breathing and your heart is beating, even though you've been unconscious for many hours. the air is a mix of gases that's just right for your body's needs, as it was before you fell asleep.

you can see! lights of many colors floods into your eyes, registered by nerves that took god or evolution or some process millions of years to perfect. the interesting gift of these vivid hues comes to you courtesy of an unimaginably immense globe of fire, the sun, which continually detonates nuclear reactions in order to convert its body into light and heat and energy for your personal use.

did you know that the sun is located at the precise distance from you to be of perfect service? if it were any closer, you'd fry, and if it were any further away, you'd freeze. here's another one of the sun's benedictions: it appears to rise over the eastern horizon right on schedule every day, as it has since long before you were born.

do you remember when you were born, by the way? it was a difficult miracle that involved many people who worked hard on your behalf. no less miraculous is the fact that you have continued to grow since then, with millions of new cells being born inside you to replace the old ones that die. all of this happens whether or not you ever think about it.

on this day, like almost every other, you have awoken inside a temperature-controlled shelter. you have a home! your bed and pillow are soft and you're covered by comforotable blankets. the electricity is turned on, as usual. somehow, in ways you're barely aware of, a massive power plant at an unknown distance from your home is transforming fuel into currents of electricity that reach you through mostly hidden conduits in the exact amounts you need, and all you have to do to control the flow is flick small switches with your fingers.

you can walk! your legs work wonderfully well. your heart circulates your blood all the way down to replenish the energy of the muscles in your feet and calves and thighs, and when the blood is depleted it finds its way back to your heart to be refreshed. this blessing recurs over and over again without stopping every hour of your life.

your home is perhaps not a million-dollar palace, but it's sturdy and gigantic compared to the typical domicile in every culture that has preceded you. the floors aren't crumbling, and the walls and ceilings are holding up well, too. doors open and close without trouble, and so do the windows. what skillful geniuses built this sanctuary for you? how and where did they learn their craft?

in your bathroom, the toilet is functioning perfectly, as are several other convenient devices. you have at your disposal soaps, creams, razors, clippers, tooth-cleaning accessories; a host of products that enhance your hygiene and appearance. you trust that unidentified scientists somewhere tested them to be sure they're safe for you to use.

amazingly, the water you need so much of comes out of your faucets in an even flow, with the volume you want, and either cold or hot as you desire. it's pure and clean; you're confident no parasites are lurking in it. there is someone somewhere making sure these boons will continue to arrive for you without interruption for as long as you require them.

look at your hands. they're astounding creations that allow you to carry out hundreds of tasks with great force and intricate grace. they relish the pleasure and privelage of touching thousands of different textures, and they're beautiful.

in your closet are many clothes you like to wear. who gathered the materials to make the fabrics they're made of? who imbued them with colors, and how did they do it? who sewed them for you?

in your kitchen, appetizing food in secure packaging is waiting for you. many people you've never met worked hard to grow it, process it, and get it to the store where you bought it. the bounty of tasty nourishment you get to choose from is unprecedented in the history of the world.

your many appliances are working flawlessly. despite the fact that they feed on electricity, which could kill you instantly if you touched it directly, you feel no fear that you're in danger. why? your faith in the people who invented, designed, and produced these machines is impressive.

it's as if there's a benevolent conspiracy of unknown people that is tirelessly creating hundreds of useful things you like and need.

there's more. gravity is working exactly the way it always has, neither pulling on you with too much or too little force. how did that marvel ever come to be? by some prodigious, long-running accident? it doesn't really matter, since it will continue to function with astounding efficiency whether or not you understand it.

meanwhile, a trillion other elements of nature's miraculous design are expressing themselves perfectly. plants are growing, rivers are flowing, clouds are drifting, winds are blowing, animals are reproducing. the weather is an interesting blend of elements you've never before experienced in quite this combination.

:) ryan

reno, i'm coming home

2007-01-17T20:20:00.000-06:00

itinerary:

feb 2
in chicago 9:20 am
in champaign 1:25 pm
headlights show 8:00 pm
sleep WHEN:DEAD am

feb 3
in chicago somehow
stone cold dead serious 8:00 pm
drunk with heindl immediately after

feb 4
wake up sometime
lunch, brittney?
leave for TX 7:25 pm

i just bought these plane tickets on a complete impulse. really, the only way i have as much money in my checking account as chase.com says i do, is if somebody dropped the ball and didn't cash a check. silly of me? perhaps. i say opportunity knocked.

snow day #2

2007-01-16T23:44:00.000-06:00

i'm apparently
drunk enough
to think i can
eloquently
poeticize the night.
armed with my
purple marker
and bellyful of tequila,
i think i'm ready
to take on
the world.

but
it's safe here
in my coccoon --
warm,
when the icicles hang outside
and even without
the heat on, within.
my carefully crafted
lair
my altar
to life, and the need
to tell a story;
to music, the medium;
to love, that damn
rothko;
to film,
the reliable escape
from the responsibilities
of dreams,
and to the
simple pleasure
had in simply
having one.

--

roy
"fucked and forlorn"

broken glass
litters the floor
and here i stand
fucked and forlorn.
sweat burns the eyes
drag my lips
'cross dirty old
microphones

and daydream
of home.

so here i stand
with gun in mind
bullets in hand
dig trenches not graves
on a basement floor soapbox
we'll sing our lives away
for a dream,
and a false sense
of freedom.

my dad i love

2007-01-09T23:52:00.000-06:00

mark rothko's untitled, 1969.

paul w - my dad

thank you. so much.

-flyboy

yes, you already know (how this will end)

2007-01-06T04:01:00.000-06:00

i know i'm kind of post-happy tonight, but blame the sauza, if anything.

mi hermano, jefe, made an exemplary mix during his time away from school, and i simply cannot get enough of it. so here, immortalized in his absolute glory, is my brother, guest DJ on volume 2 of KPRS, posters of rock stars radio:

highlights:

1. headlights - i love, you laugh. a song i initially wrote off as too emo for my hometown heroes to claim as their own; however, lately, it's been eating at me like some sort of radioactive, heart-devouring monster.

2. roy - the power, not the perception. i've loved this band ever since nick said i should. fact, a lot of the music i love today would never have been mine to hear, had nick not introduced us. i admit, i often consider the boy helplessly insane, but then i realize he's simply another step ahead of the game than i. ROY is fucking incredible, and their album, big city sin & small town redemption took a year or two to find its way into my top five, but now that it's there, it's not going anywhere. their follow-up, who killed john train? is slowly catching up.

3. my bloody valentine - sometimes. from the lost in translation soundtrack. why the fuck have i never heard this song? bravo, little brother -- bravo!! i downloaded their album, loveless, tonight. i'm two steps from downloading that movie, too. fuck me.

NEXT DAY EDIT: i forgot to say that, like our best mixes, jeff's tells a whole story, beginning to end. our hero, this skinny, black sheep boy, journeys across jeff's three-act opus to meet his ultimate end... the beautiful thing that draws us to songs that tell a story (any story, really), is how we can project ourselves into its given circumstances, and blur the lines between the world of the song and the world of our own. with a mix like this, for me, it's really like sitting down to watch a movie -- but you don't have to sit, you're free to move, you're free to live, because your life, your day, is the movie and this is its soundtrack. "using someone else's poetry to say what you want to say..." is an art in itself. put yourself in the world jeff's created, be the hero, cuz i wanna know... where does it take you?

i know it sounds crazy but, fuck off, i am.

love, brov!

blast from the past

2007-01-06T03:14:00.000-06:00

mario, please 10-4 that you copy this. burns, you too. "spankalicious" makes her mark as a friend forever, right here.

shaded bluish.

if anyone can figure out how to read the archives, PLEASE let me know. the five years between now and then, plus a lot of tequila at present, renders me helpless.

do you ever wonder, what happened? i didn't realize until now, how much i miss these 'shades' of us...

jefe:

2007-01-05T22:19:00.000-06:00

echo de menos tu blog. requiero más penetración en su cerebro. vuelves, senor gonzo.

that enron dick!

2007-01-05T12:14:00.000-06:00

i love largeheartedboy. i've been a faithful reader for almost a year now, and not only is it still a perfect blend of all things literary and musical, but every now and then it points you toward something as off the wall as cracked magazine's 10 most dead people of 2006.

Know who didn't seem to know how money worked, though? Ken Lay, that Enron dick. Think he needed a special oversize casket like that other money guy named Ken? No, Ken Lay was allegedly quickly cremated after suddenly dying during a ski vacation following his conviction on fraud charges, thus conveniently escaping 20 to 30 years of life behind bars. Ken Lay is in fact quite possibly tanning his fat hide on a beach on a private island bought with the billions stolen from ordinary Americans at this very moment. Sadly, Ken Lay gets the award for Least Dead Person of 2006.

here's the full list. hilarious.

with that out of the way, i remember what i couldn't during my last post. i was at work the other night, when i had to run over to our main office to take care of some data entry i couldn't do from my own desk. i had timed it so i'd miss the 9-5 crowd and have more of the place to myself... but one of our staff, stephan, was still there. until this point, i'd been telling jeff that stephan was like our office's dwight schrute. i mean, the guy and i had a lengthy discussion about the benefits of gatorade, after i asked him why he had two gallons of the shit sitting on his desk. picture dwight defending himself in this situation, and that's exactly how it went down.

but the other night, stephan and i fell into a very different conversation. he let me in on a pretty serious, life-altering moment he had just before thanksgiving last year, and how it's affected him since. i gotta give the guy more credit, he's a soldier. he asked me about my new year's plans, and after i reveled him in my half-recollected tale of drunkennness, he told me how he packed up his car, drove out to a state park, pitched a tent and read and wrote for a few days.

i was a little shocked, and very jealous. why can't i do cool things like that? why is that such an unnatural streetch for me? it shouldn't be, but i'm so busy being all crazy and constantly in my head, the idea would never even cross my mind.

this is when he handed me an old, ratty copy of the prophet, by kahlil gibran, open to a section "on love" --

Then said Almitra, "Speak to us of Love."
And he raised his head and looked upon the people, and there fell a stillness upon them. And with a great voice he said:
When love beckons to you follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep.
And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.
And when he speaks to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden.
For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.
Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,
So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.
Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.
He threshes you to make you naked.
He sifts you to free you from your husks.
He grinds you to whiteness.
He kneads you until you are pliant;
And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast.
All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart.
But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,
Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,
Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.
Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.
Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;
For love is sufficient unto love.
When you love you should not say, "God is in my heart," but rather, I am in the heart of God."
And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
Love has no other desire but to fulfil itself.
But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:
To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;
To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;
To return home at eventide with gratitude;
And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.

the book is public domain, so you can read it in its entirety online. it's short, but pointed. reminds me of the zen-like people i often surround myself and wish i could be.

when i went in to the office last night, again after everyone had left, stephan wasn't there. but you know what was? a tiny, broken acorn, sitting next to his computer screen...

peter & the wolf - lightness

the dashboard melted, but we still have the radio

2007-01-04T01:49:00.000-06:00

new modest mouse. "dashboard" debuted on the radio a couple days ago (thanks to mokb for the heads up). we were dead before the ship even sank is due very soon, via epic recordings (via sony, via the man). strip down to your undies and get ready to dance:

EDIT: sorry. hear it at modest mouse's label or their myspace.

only three days deep, and 07's already bearing fruit! today, my aunt leeann sent new year's fudge, and a gift card to ikea. which is perfect, 'cuz i just found a mattress and box springs yesterday -- i can finally move into my bedroom! and mark's x-mas present, please kill me: the uncensored oral history of punk, came yesterday too, in a box stuffed with music promos from polyvinyl, and my old jean jacket and brasil flag from home. thank you, m'man.

and this is for my girl amanda, and for any other hip-hoppers lingering in the crowd. amanda missed lorenzo goetz' last show ever to be sick in cleveland for the new year, and needs some extra lovin. stereogum tells me your boy talib put out a free nine-track download as a new year's present to friends and fans.:

"I am a part of the music industry, and lord knows I'm needed, but for our own sanity we must step outside the system and create that which is not packaged for mass consumption. This is also a gift to the fans who stick by me whether some corporation is currently promoting me or not. Now, I love all music, and my albums so far, including eardrum, reflect those influences. This album is a straight ahead, sample driven hiphop record, from two of the best doing it. Some fans will say this is the sound they want to hear from me all the time. If so, congratulations, you got your wish. However, do not use this to speculate what eardrum will sound like. It is a different project with different influences."

download here (via nah right). i haven't listened yet, but i expect it to be awesome. feel better, baby. ;)

i feel like i had one more thing to say, but this fudge is clouding my judgement. i didn't want this to be too long a post, so i'll leave it at talib. peace!

radio and the rest

2007-01-02T06:01:00.000-06:00

EDIT: i'm looking at this with internet explorer at work (i use firefox at home), and it loads a completely different playlist than the one i uploaded this morning. anyone else having a similar problem? a noticeable lack of bloc party, jiggsaw, band of horses? let me know. any feedback you have, actually, send it my way. thanks! ryan

just a "beta" version. i meant to have this up the night before last, i figured giving myself a deadline would spur me to really do it. and it did, but honestly, new year's eve? i'm lucky i made it home alive. and yesterday was a complete loss, of course. i think i finally started moving sans nausea around 4pm. needless to say, i didn't find time to sit down and record the show with voiceovers, though i probably drove my neighbors mad with my all-night, out-loud rehearsals. but it's the show as i would have done it, just without me as your guide. consider it a new year's mix -- you've got some new stuff from bloc party, the shins, band of horses; and, in general, my favorites from 2006. one last kick for the old, and a warm welcome to the new.

speaking of the best of last year, lord knows i've scrolled through enough "best albums" and "best movies" lists to want to disown half the blogs i read every day, they're so incessant with the damn things. still, i can't help but want to holla back at the people and things that helped me survive the year. i was in the middle of watching the barely hopeful children of men when struck with the urgent need to recognize (or remind myself of) the few things i love about this world. that being said, and despite the idea of a "best of" list in my BLOG being tongue-in-cheek in the first place, i hope i come across as genuine when i really am so.

so without further ado, and in no particular order...

10. austin, texas. i still have my reservations about this place, and my place in it. but one thing's for sure: this is one of the biggest decisions i've ever made in my life. and i'm a big believer in things-for-a-reason, whether you realize it right away, or way after the fact. there's something to this dropping everything and driving a thousand miles from what you know. it might be plain and simple insanity. but until the whitecoats come strap me down and lock me up, i'm enjoying the ride.

9. champaign, illinois. in the same breath, i'll admit to being guilty of not knowing what i had 'till it was gone. that little town has something figured out, and the people who stay there past their college days aren't crazy for doing so. sure, it's a small dog who thinks it's a big bear, but it takes care of its own.

8. my laptop. this fucking computer sports some scars. i babied her through her first few months, but after the strap on my carrying case broke, she's been tossed around as much as anything else you can throw in a backpack. that a certain loveless pet of mine chewed her up a bit doesn't help her appearance, either, but i prettied her up with some headlights stickers and she looks simply beautiful.

it hasn't really been until this last year that we've been completely mobile; in our defense, it hasn't really been until this last year that central illinois discovered wireless internet. used to be, you had your home network and that was it. then, the coffee shops caught on, and pretty soon, you haven't paid an internet bill in six months because you're gleaning unprotected service from the girls next door. now, it's pretty safe to assume you can take a laptop anywhere and find a free public network, so you do. hell, entire cities are wireless. lappy and i have been to the ends of the earth and back, and despite a minor memory failure here and there, we've been able to back her up and start from scratch time and time again. she just loves the new portable hard drive she got for christmas (thanks mom!), and even though she just turned a third year older in november, she's as playful as she was out of the box.

lappy, i love you.

7. bittorrent. despite her slim figure, lappy's been well-fed this year. sure, we love itunes and emusic and are more than happy to buy a tv show or album we really love. but you can't beat the thrill of the hunt for good screener copy of a movie still in theatres. hell, i downloaded a christmas story when i was down and out during the holidays. i guess there's no way to tiptoe around admitting i download ILLEGALLY, but come on! times are tough, man...

   7a. pan's labyrinth
   7b. perfume: the story of a murderer
   7c. babel
   7d. 13 tzameti

6. little miss sunshine and half nelson. studio shareholders will be happy to know i paid in full for both of these films, each more than once. it's funny, i half-seriously asked that my family all get each other little miss for christmas... and we did (yessssssss). what a beautiful fucking movie. the first time i saw it was with nicholas, on the last leg of his stay in champaign -- we were about to drive him to boston, after which i was visiting austin for a second time this year, and then the west coast for the first time, ever. we were on the brink of the unknown and self-discovery, and we needed something to tell us it was all going to be okay. the theatre was about half empty, but the two of us filled it with enough laughter and crying for twice its capacity. that moment itself is one of my favorites of all time.

on my birthday this year, my brothers and i watched it "together" -- me, by myself in austin; them, at home in taylorville. we cued up the movie and, via phone, counted down from three and hit play, and called each other as soon as it was over. my eyes start to water at the thought of how impossibly close we were that night. trust me, guys, you've got a spot at the top of this list.

where little miss restored my faith in each other, half nelson restored it in myself. i don't know what the fuck i'm doing in life, but i know i'm doing something...

5. mark jiggsaw. "a strange looking punkrocker who's been known to climb rooftops and sing pirate songs and out smart death."

i can honestly say that without mark's help, i'd be writing you today from a very different place, both physically and mentally. completely separate from fronting probably the best band i've been lucky enough to know personally, mr. jiggsaw is one righteous man. not only did he help me get that sweet, free room at the illinois disciples' foundation when i needed it most, but he kept close during my entire stay, always there if i needed a hand, or a shoulder. he even scraped bird shit off my walls after i left town too hurriedly to clean my room. thanks for everything, brother man. can't wait to see you again.

he'll probably hate that i did this, but fuck it. put the new year's mix on pause real quick, and listen to this. i can't believe i forgot to put this one on there: mark jiggsaw - you are my sunshine.

4. calvin. seriously, one of the best things that's ever happened to me. i hated the little fucker at first, but he saw me through some rough and lonely times, and i like to think he grew as fond of me as i did him. i guess he really wasn't a part of 2006 -- he presumably flew into a parallel dimension sometime, late 2005 -- but all this talk of bird shit has me missing the little guy. he was a living, breathing sunrise; my own miracle. if you're out there, cal, being all awesome in your parallel universe, and have somehow learned to read since the last time we hung out, know that i think about you all the time. :(

3. nicholas.

enough said. miss you too, buddy.

2. my dad. i have neither a picture nor words. i love you so much. i'm never joking when i say i want to be just like you.

1. my brothers.

same for you guys, i don't know what to say that you don't already know. you are my only reasons for so many things. how long until that solar eclipse happens so we can invade the fire nation and save the world already? i'm so ready, boys. let's do this.

(not to devalue this moment we're having here, but that reminds me, avatar: the last airbender totally deserves a spot on this list, but this has taken so much longer than i thought it would, it's getting its honorable mention right here. btw, i'm totally water nation. jeff is earth. johnny, are you our airbender??)

this was a really good idea. if you didn't make the list, don't take it personally, it's just the first ten to come to mind. those of you i love, you know i do (pam, i'm looking at you, girl). but if you need reminding (i tend to be distant), by all means, let me know.

i'll show you.

love,
ryan

blogging killed the radio star

2006-12-30T15:24:00.000-06:00

01/01/07.

"flowers in the attic" by jason nelson © 2007. see more + buy jason's prints here. check out threadless for the tee, plus a shit-ton of other cool shirts by really cool people. and yes, it took my obsessive-compulsive butt all day to get the text in this graphic just right. shut up.

heart mind boxing

2006-12-29T02:10:00.000-06:00

peter and the wolf - my grey overcoat [peter and the wolf's myspace]

tinkered around with the blog and spymac last night after work, until i fell asleep. woke up around ten with a sweet tooth, walked to the gas station across the street and bought mexican muffins and cigarettes, even though i keep telling myself to quit. came back to the apartment, this messy room of an apartment, and spent some time musing with jeff over which of the four nations we'd ideally hail from; argued with lauren over nothing, as usual; then lied down to fall asleep again, to perfume, but ended up watching the whole movie...

and decided a few things:

1. i'm okay with my messy room of an apartment. i have no intentions of being romantically involved with anyone (though, do we ever?) in the near future, so my lack of furniture or apparent well-being is my concern only. for now, this is my cocoon, from the sanctitude and squalor of which i will emerge when i'm ready.

2. "it's your calling, really." jeff's response to my first "official" music post. i told him, next, the broadcast. the lo-fi radio show i've been scripting in my head is finally on its way to being. attatched to the daydream is failsafe success, and a rapid ride out of the corporate, manufacturing world i've derailed into. i miss art, and even acting. lately i've been wondering if i had it right the first time. what if the only way to take the shapes i want, to do all the things i want, is to wear roles like robes, clothing and skin i can apply or shed at will? there are so many things i want to know and learn, and be good at, but i get bored easily. of course, i forget, acting was initially a plan b -- coming out of high school, i wanted to be a journalist, and everything i'd done to that point agreed, that's what i'd be. nyu was too expensive, and i missed the deadline for general studies at uiuc. but their theatre program was still accepting applications. i've been in the passenger seat of life for years now. makes me wonder who the fuck is driving. it'll all have a certain romance to it in the end, i'm sure.

3. as much as i need your love and support, being alone-but-not-really is hard. i crave complete isolation. i want to sleep beneath trees and know how to travel by the stars.

4. i am neither air, water, earth nor fire nation. i am all of them at once.

i am the avatar.

--

p&tw - the highway

(i can't listen to one without the other. i've actually bought this album twice, once at a show of his in chicago; the other, here.)

EDIT: shut up i am dreaming

2006-12-28T07:34:00.000-06:00

sunset rubdown - us ones in between [edit: i totally linked to the wrong song, but in the process set up my own hosting at spymac (this is the start of something wonderful, friends). so this song is now courtesy of ME (well, and sunset rubdown), but here's a big, fat shoutout to skatterbrain anyway!]

something is about to happen. something... i don't know what. something. something we've been waiting for. i feel it in my bones, the way farmers' wives know rain is coming by their knuckles' ache. and the hairs on my arms stand straight, like they say hairs on your arms do, when you're about to receive an electric SHOCK. every lightning rod has gotta watch the storm cloud come -- spence and sunset have been looping this crooked-note call to arms in my brain, all day.

dad says '07 is going to be a good year for us. i know he's just being dad, but he says he feels it, too...

scratch

2006-12-27T20:49:00.000-06:00

i had a wonderful post writing itself in my head, and was actually on my way to a coffee shop to get it down on paper first. but then i got a phone call inviting me to dinner... so like most things these days, i've simply decided to keep today to myself, as special as it turned out to be.

instead, i'm going to muse over how google gets away with this, then decide to not care how or why, but unconditionally love them and spread it around regardless. this is for everyone, but especially for jeff. only you can love this as much as i do.

track santa!

2006-12-23T19:06:00.001-06:00

NORAD santa tracker.

i'll be departing myself in approximately 12 hours. can't wait!

have a safe and happy holidays, guys.

things more interesting than i have to say

2006-12-22T06:59:00.001-06:00

dear yahoo, who coined the phrase "the american dream"? and was he high?

also, i sent this to jeff last night. the fight is on, brother: "robots could one day demand the same citizen's rights as humans, according to a study by the British government."

in lighter news, today's word of the day? flibbertigibbet.

sigh.

sometimes

2006-12-14T21:40:00.005-06:00

i just don't feel

2006-12-14T21:40:00.003-06:00

i belong in

2006-12-14T21:40:00.001-06:00

this world.

2006-12-14T21:37:00.000-06:00

well i heard there was a secret chord

2006-12-13T23:56:00.000-06:00

hey, buddy. got your birthday present in the mail today, thank you so much. i'm just sitting here, can't sleep, thought i'd give you a call. i actually fell asleep earlier, right after work. our regional manager was in town tonight, she was supposed to take us all out to dinner, $25 limit on what we could buy. i was going to get a big steak, it was going to be the best meal i've had in weeks. and i fucked it up, i fell asleep. so now i can't sleep, and i'm sitting here drinking decaf coffee. i don't remember the last time i drank decaf coffee. but i wanted coffee and didn't want to fuck up work tomorrow, so i went and bought some decaf coffee...

just sitting here, listening to sad songs, nothing has changed in four goddamn years and i don't know how that's possible.

ahh.... you know.

you know.

welcome to america

2006-12-13T22:56:00.000-06:00

i've had to start turning away workers who show up late at dell. five minutes is understandable, especially if we're under our needed headcount for ideal production. but ten, fifteen minutes, if we've already hit the brim of our staffing needs? i shut the parking lot door, which stays locked until business hours, accessible only by an access card -- which i dole out at the start of shift.

we (staff management) moved into this existing operation, which had been installing motherboards for dell months before sydcor opted out of their contract and forced dell's hand into buying the whole damn thing themselves; brought in a small crew of our own, expanded production, roped in sydcor's existing workers to our agency, and have now decided we only need so many of them to get the most bang for dell's buck. thus, five minutes late or more means you don't really want to work and, in the eyes of big money, you're wasting our time and here's the (locked) door.

one woman, yanelys guerrero, asked me the other day if it would be all right for her to come at 6:00 instead of 4:30, as she's needed at home with her children in the morning. i know we're only on this overtime schedule because of holiday demand, and that in a few short weeks we'll return to a normal, 8-hour day. so i said yeah, that'd be fine, for now. we'll run one head short for a couple hours until she can show up, not a big deal. but then dell decided to cut down on the total number of workers needed to run each line; whereas sydcor's been staffing eight per line, dell says we can produce just as much and only have to pay for seven. so now, someone like yanelys, who needs more than that five-minute grace so early in the morning, is, frankly, shit out of luck. when she showed up smiling, just shy of 6:00 yesterday, i displaced my shame and, in very broken spanish, tried explaining to her that i couldn't let her work. i asked, was it at all possible that she stick out our 4:30 start time, at least for a couple more weeks. i said, earnestly, that i'd help with sweet-talking the big bosses into letting it slide if she couldn't, but that at least for today, my hands were tied. she kept smiling through all of this, and said that, yes, she could. but even i knew.

i let her borrow my phone to call her husband to come pick her up. i couldn't understand fully what was said, but i could see she was explaining why he had to turn around, why the job she'd had for so long and done so well at was all of a sudden pitted against them. "recepcion a america..."

i wanted to tell her so many things, like how beautiful she was in her anger. but i just stood there, lips pursed, and let my eyes glaze with a thin layer of salt. "te amo mucho," he said over the phone speaker. "si," she replied, not meeting my gaze. "yo tambien."

click.

steering the great salt lake

2006-12-12T19:11:00.000-06:00

the guy at the gas station across the street remembers what cigarettes i smoke, and keeps an eye out for buy-one-get-one deals for me. not as cool as the coffee house girl remembering your favorite drink, but it makes for the same, appreciated feeling. i half-bragged about being the lucky son i am, to have my mom send me a gift card to local grocery store central market, and how i was on my way to stock up. i forgot how he told me he hasn't spoken to his family in years. i took solace in his company on thanksgiving day afternoon, since neither of us were home for the holiday, albeit for very different reasons. i wanted to retract what i said about the grocery gift card as soon as i'd said it, but he jumped at the chance to remind me he's even lonelier than i. he says he doesn't care, but i can't help accusing him of secretly being sad.

work is... work. i've been bumped from the weekend shift (i.e. four days off) to my own morning shift, monday thru friday, 6a-2:30p. which sounded great at the time, i'd have my afternoons and weekends free. i even celebrated my schedule's first few days with quick trips to the nearby park to play soccer after work. of course, holiday demand for production bumped this cozy schedule to a 4:30a start time, and stretched the work week through sunday. i try to get there about an hour before my workers do, and usually end up staying late, to make sure everyone's out of the building and on their way, and to finish up any paperwork i've left for the end of shift, so it's more like an eleven, twelve-hour day. and yeah, that's seven days a week... i've complained about it as much as i'm going to, to friends and family, so i won't waste space doing it here. but it's hard. i'm having money problems, none of which are really my fault; my company is being kind of unreliable on payday, and has conveniently misplaced my check for three weeks in a row. in short, it's made for a long month.

i never thought i'd say it, but i miss champaign. i realize i was unhappy, but i've almost acknowledged the choice to relocate here as another classic, impulsive move on my part. i regret taking for granted the few amazing people i had within arm's reach, or at most, only an hour's drive away. the first time jeff visited home since i moved, i caught myself thinking, "shit, jeff's home?? if i'm free this weekend, i should totally drive over..." only to remember quickly, it's no longer the mix cd's worth of car time just to see him, or anyone else, anymore.

two people have told me to blog in the past two days, but i feel like all i ever talk about lately is myself. most (all) of my free time is with thoughts and music, so this all feels pretty uninspired. stale. said before.

i promised colleen that i would come home, no matter what, to see her play sharice in 'stone cold dead serious' at the station theatre. it breaks my heart that i can't. it closes this weekend, and i hear that it's amazing. will you go for me?

nothing to report.

2006-11-26T15:16:00.000-06:00

bored at work. birthday and thanksgiving came and went. presently looking for extra work. radio definitely, sometime, maybe an unpaid internship, a foot in the door; lately looking into substitute teaching. drooled over podcasting equipment last night, balked at price, then held successful, lo-fi test with itunes and laptop's internal mic. squealed with glee. hooked up internet at home, downloaded ton of movies, currently working way through them. also treated self to an itunes season pass of avatar: the last airbender, season two. loving every minute. discovered furniture shopping incites madness, serves as reminder you have no money, you spent it all moving in the first place. rent, bills and christmas will surely illicit twice the insanity. want to write more but feel uninspired. when inspired, don't want to write. daydreamt of a boy with wings, sketched it in notepad during a dell production meeting. was highlight of day.

sigh.

p.s. new address

2006-11-14T13:43:00.001-06:00

1200 W 40th st
apt 234
austin, TX
78756

south austin

2006-11-14T13:14:00.000-06:00

is so cool. i'm at a new coffeehouse, which, through eavesdropping on numerous conversations with the barista and customers, just had its grand opening this past friday. it's set up in the coolest business plaza i've ever seen. tattoo shop, body piercing, mexican place, jewelry store, and this coffee shop all in the same building, with sculpture-filled backyard for everyone out back. irie bean. remember the name and remind me to take you when you're here.

i just "switched" to the new, beta version of blogger. the type looks funny. does my type look funny? smaller. that's okay with me. i had apparently turned on comment moderation earlier in this blog's lifespan, and had a bazillion comments waiting for me to approve. sorry. i approved them all and turned moderation off, so keep commenting. i'm a crazy loon who constantly needs your approval.

i've spent the morning looking at furniture online. i've already got lauren on the case, but if you have a few minutes and want to help me, go for it! lauren has me looking at dania. do you guys know any other cool home furnishings place? if you've ever seen my dad's place, i'm aiming to beat him at cozy-contemporary (sorry dad!). i'm in the market for a bed, and a kitchen table. and a coffee table. but that kitchen table is crucial, all of my best nights have been spent sitting at one, doing tequila shots and talking shit. an ikea opened up just north of the city over the weekend. i know tyler durden wouldn't approve, but they really do have some cool, cheap ware. my "osaka" futon from texas futon king comes this afternoon. color me excited.

i also hit up all my blogs and pillaged this last week's worth of new music. and scouted out some primo finds on emusic. not that i'm trying to sell you on it, i know i used to be an iTunes diehard, but -- emusic has a ton of independent artists, and adds newer and older albums every day. and comes out to be cheaper than iTunes, per song. aaaand... if you sign up for the free trial (i did once and ended up keeping the thing) with this link, i get free downloads too. shameless, i know. do it anyway.

in other news, my dad's taking me to vegas. tomorrow. just booked the flight a couple of hours ago. actually, i botched booking the flight. i don't know how, but i booked two flights from vegas to austin. two returning flights! i had a bunch of windows open, wasn't paying attention and was only thinking "cheap," and booked two returning flights... i'm a moron. but i'm going to fix it. hopefully. vegas, baby! vegas!!

the job is great. overwhelming but great. it's really an interesting place to work, dell inc. michael dell is a very, very smart man. steve jobs, if you're reading, i'll totally be your inside man. just give me the word.

i've been at irie bean for a few hours now, and get the feeling i'm overstaying my welcome. i've been courteous, though, and ordered a couple of drinks while i've been here. but this rasta music is getting to me (yeah, rasta!), and i'm itching to get home and clean up before the futon king arrives.

so i'm out. help me find a table!

looking forward, looking back.

2006-11-10T13:59:00.000-06:00

I'm sitting inside the street-facing window of The Hideout, a downtown Austin cafe/theatre. I parked a few blocks away and just started walking, determined to find free wifi and good coffee somewhere near. And here I am. The shop has a small stage in front for poets and songwriters, and a tiny, blackbox theatre in the back. Pretty cool place. I bought a futon earlier today, shower curtain, toilet paper, etc. Now I'm just killing time in this beautiful city, trying to feel my way around. Playing by ear.

I gave myself the day off yesterday. Just a "me" day, a disappearing day. Moved into my place Wednesday eve, ordered in, and pretty much slothed around for the next 24 hours. My landlord, Steve, did wake me up around 9:00 to say that carpet cleaners would be in, and I'd probably have to scram for a couple of hours while their work dried. No big deal. I sat out in my car and smoked cigarettes while reading the first book I could reach in my crowded backseat -- Adam Rapp's Stone Cold Dead Serious. Which is not only my favorite-play-ever, but will soon be starring best friends Colleen and Ryan, in Champaign and Chicago, respectively. I smoked and read (and cried at all the same parts), as this Austin sun rose lazily into the sky, and Ben Gibbard and M. Ward sang to me from el stereo. When I finished reading, I grabbed one more armload from my trunk and retreated upstairs, where I stayed for the rest of the day. I think the past two weeks simply caught up with me, timed perfectly with the arrival of my newfound safehaven, and as I finally let my guard down, exhaustion set in. I slept almost all day, rousing for the occasional mini-marathon of Avatar or It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. But I woke up early this morning raring to go, and finished moving my stuff from my car to the empty apartment. I bathed in my new tub, and set out into a young, humid morning.

Written two days ago from Pacha, my new neighborhood cafe:

Woke up at 3:00 a.m. for work today. Shuffled through my morning routine in as little light and as quietly as possible, so as to not wake Josie and Hayden, my big-hearted, big-bellied lesbian hosts for the past few days. As reluctant as my motor skills were so early in the day, I had a mid-afternoon move to look forward to. After living out of my car -- which was packed to the ceiling with my personal effects -- since last Thursday, I get to move into my own place. The girls have been wonderful to the point of spoiling me, with food and entertainment. But the idea of finally having my own space to claim, my own air to breathe, had me excited enough to emotionally bypass the rest of the would-be long day. Today is a very happy day.

around noon, lunchtime, the gods smiled and i got out of work early. tim, my training supervisor, said we'd done about as much as we could, and turned me loose. it'd been a good morning and i learned a lot, but i still couldn't get my mind off of that cute little apartment i signed for yesterday. it's in what austin calls the medical district -- a lot of practices, lot of grad students, nurses. there's a park just a few blocks away, with tiny homes and small streets surrounding. it's north of the university of texas, too north to run into the campus crowd. and not but a bus ride from downtown, or a long walk, whichever strikes your fancy. the temperature hasn't dropped below 55 since i've been here. it's at least 80 degrees today.

on the walk from my apartment building to the bolivian coffee shop i've befriended down the road, one of the sidewalk squares says, in black tar or paint, "in love."

me too, man. me too.

I keep wanting to call my landlord Sal, instead of Steve, because he reminds me so much of someone in Sopranos. Big guy, round guy, with a Brooklyn accent that sticks out like a thumb in Austin. When he was finishing up my unit, I stopped by and he was limping -- he wouldn't say what from, but I like to think he was running from the scene of a hit, and just isn't as young as he used to be.

Here's the only picture of my apartment I can find online. I bought a disposable camera today, and a pack of thank you cards, so if you think you're one of my ten closest friends or fam, expect a personal note and picture sometime soon.

Cute place, huh? It's quiet, in a quaint little neighborhood. Park nearby. I really like it.

And this is for Lauren, who is unnecessarily sad and mopey today, despite deserving the world. I've been meaning to share a Calvin story with you, but never got around to it. From an older blog:

FURIOUS! (01-28-2005 10:21 AM)

my horoscope today says i'm furious. i think that's rather presumptious of the stars, prescribing my own temperament. truth be told, i think i'm more at peace than i've been in a long time. it's in the eyes. i walk by my reflection and see these two tiny blue rings, as crisp as they might have been in junior high. innocent again. youthful. my skin has a glow, though that might be oil of olay. heh. living in a girls' house has its perks.

but i know it's not lotion. and i know i'm not furious.

again, a bit of a late start, but morgan and i got up early today and grocery shopped, then i made breakfast while she curled her hair, took her to class, put everything else away, rearranged the freezer... and caught the end of another movie on sundance. i'm addicted. it's a new vice.

movie a day, that's the cure, i say. i think we're going to see a movie-movie tonight, morgan and the girls and their guys. and nick, hopefully. he's got the night off and a blonde brit in town, and i miss him. goddamnit.

kalvin the lovebird is crunching millet seeds in his cage. the repeated click, click of the seed breaking in his beak is surprisingly calming. some of my favorite parts of the day are spent talking back and forth with kal, watching him bounce about from perch to perch, swing himself around the makeshift playground we put together with hangers above morgan's closet mirror. he's most beautiful when he stretches, balancing on a single leg and pulling a wing behind him and fanning it out wide, morphing into a green and orange eagle. right now he's back on the playground and kissing his reflection. sometimes, when he likes me, he'll flutter down to the top of the computer monitor, and then jump across to my head. he sleeps upside down, bat-like.

best of all, he came with an order of cheeseballs.

as I sit on the porch a bird begins
to serenade me from a tree nearby in
the dark.

it is a mockingbird.
I am in love with mockingbirds.

I make bird sounds.
he waits.
then he makes them back.

he is so good that I laugh.

we are all so easily pleased,
all of us living things.

as i type i'm laughing, too. kalvin is playing on my arm.

I miss that guy. I miss you guys. Keep central Illinois alive for me, deal?

brother man!

2006-11-01T10:49:00.000-06:00

as i sit listening to your last
saturday night radio show i can't
help but think i won't listen to
the radio much after you're gone.
having you as a friend these past
two years has meant the world to
me. with birds flying out windows,
furniture attached to the ceiling
and satellites falling from the
sky, we kept our cool through it
all. and in another life we were
probably drug buddies. but not this
life my friend. here we kept our
heads held high and our wallets
well padded. from city to city we
live seeking adventure and friendly
faces. i picture you walking the
warm winter streets of austin
wearing a cowboy hat and belt
buckle and i envy you my friend.
it's been a goddamn pleasure having
you as a roommate and a friend.
we've had some great times together.
i know you'll make friends quick
and get the ball of crazy rolling
right away down in austin. my
only advice is don't take any shit
from those warm-blooded bastards
and never look to your past too often.
i love you man. i'll be down there
drinking lonestars with you soon enough.
-mark-

just putting this someplace for safekeeping.

2006-10-27T02:27:00.000-06:00

every gut-fiber i have
like the e-string of an acoustic guitar
buzzed a soft warning
when you entered the scene.

but i let you in
let you
get under my skin
anyway.

which i
of course
now
regret.

i'm moving to austin.

2006-10-26T01:20:00.000-06:00

one week.

the life of the farmer, it always appealed to me

2006-10-16T17:21:00.000-06:00

i've been working for colby the past few days at the comic book shop. over the past year and a half, whilst trying to balance part-time work here with either the full-time job overnights at plastipak, or a number of other part-time gigs, i've left him stranded a couple of times without my help. it's a personal thing, and i've made the exception with all of them at one time or another, usually not by choice but by exhaustion alone, and simply oversleeping an alarm. so i owed him a day or two on the clock, without having to be here -- i don't know when the last time he had a vacation was, let alone a paid one. plus, any other employer would have canned my ass by now, but colby's been exceptionally understanding.

so here i am, about to wrap up my workday. it's been a slow day, the cold and rainy weather outside keeping downtown foot traffic to a minimum. i've spent the afternoon arranging my playlist for shrink wrap tomorrow night (tune in, it's going to be a good one! there should be a "listen live" link of some sort, somewhere on the main page), and digging for info about the bands i'm playing. seven hours have all but flown by.

i came in to find a memo from the city of champaign, addressed to downtown business associates, about the panhandling problem in our downtown area. it's been written in response to "several concerns" presented to city staff to inform us all on the legal rights of business owners regarding panhandling, and to educate the "patron/citizen" about panhandling. i didn't know, but assumed, that people do have the right to ask for money or donations (and autographs!) on city sidewalks. it appears the legal lines blur when it comes to a business such as a sidewalk cafe, or a beer garden, that are directly affected by what happens outside of their store -- it's all pretty depressing, in general. i set it aside at noon, to read later. still sitting.

aside from that, plaguing my peripheral vision, and my playlist, i've been consumed by the conversation going on in my head. a lot of it is the normal left hemisphere vs right hemisphere bloodbath regarding what the hell i'm doing with my life. recently, that job in austin has made its way back to the table, as well as another couple of prospects: ups, possibly offering tuition assistance and the chance to return to school full-time; staff management's NBD team (remember the "traveling" branch of staff management i ran into in austin?) recruiting for open positions; nicholas, and the idea to maybe host him on my futon while he finishes a degree; lauren. i don't know what to do with myself.

i feel pulled to austin. i find myself making excuses as to why it makes sense to take the job, if it's offered (al called me the other day just to tell me i'm "in," that my resume was perfect) -- but it really boils down to my wanting to go. i want to go! i (think i) want to do radio, which i have great opportunities for here, with wpgu. the only reason i'm working so much and so hard is so i can afford to take a course at parkland, so i'm technically a "student" and don't fuck up the shot i have at being program director next year. but why do i want to do that? i love being a dj, and yeah, it'd be great to get a feel for running a station or staff, to combine the experience i've accrued working in management and a passion for music and creativity, and it would look great on a resume (isn't that, like, the worst reason to do something?). but so would throwing myself into as big a music scene as austin is, and starting anew. the job with staff management makes it a careful risk, and it'd surely allow me the time to pursue it. the foremost reason i had for leaving plastipak was that it was draining me emotionally, and i needed more time to myself and my future. i do find myself more available, emotionally, than before. but now my schedule is physically killing me, and with uiuc harping me for debt payments and christmas around the corner, i'm stressed out about money all over again. it just doesn't make sense, i don't want to do this. yes, working hard and paying for school and finishing my degree, after all i've been through, could make for the most satisfying feeling of accomplisment ever. but that's only if everything works out picture-perfectly. i.e. to finish at uiuc, i'd definitely have to keep working; ups would have to offer that assistance; and to finish sooner rather than later, i'd need to finish what i started in the acting department, which complicates working, because there'll be shows or rehearsals every night, so they'd have to meet me halfway...

and why kill myself trying, you know? if that's not even what i (think i) want to do.

sigh. closing time. peace.

you are my sunshine

2006-09-09T14:59:00.000-06:00

what is it about ramen noodles that tastes so good when you don't have a dollar to your name, but when you've got five bucks to get a sandwich down the street, it's the last thing you want? well, today i'm pleased to reintroduce mr. maruichi into my life, as delicious as ever.

yeah, it looks to be a lean year for your aspiring hero, at least until something new comes along. why i'm okay with this, is that nick and i are finally writing, and i think that part of the reason i've waited so long is that when you've got a job and money to fatten yourself with, you do. at least i did, i spoiled myself and everyone i love. i don't regret it, it'll come back around. but you forget what it's like to scrape together change for cigarettes, or shop in the discount aisle. what it's like to need a job. you just forget. and that's when nick and i were at our best, the two of us relying on care packages from parents, and my few dollar an hour job at wpgu, for sustenance. we paid for booze and weed with the money i made donating plasma on the other side of campus. and it sucked, but we got by. i still don't know how.

so it's nice (i guess) to be concerned about these things again. at least for the creative voice in me, having to really work to get through the day forces an introspection that i've been missing for too long. money was pacifying that part of me, and i knew it, but didn't care...

anyway, i have to close the coffee shop tonight and then hop over to wpgu for my shift there, and i need to prep and shower. so i'm gonna. just wanted to write... just because. oh, by the way, below is the start of our script, i was working on it while i was at the comic book shop and was going to save it as a draft, just to have it. but my boss got ahold of it after i'd left. thanks, colby... ;)

2006-09-07T14:41:00.000-06:00

[Shot of RYAN's phone vibrating on desk. Closer shot shows "NICHOLAS" flashing on the phone's cover. Shot pans out to show RYAN sitting at desk, head down and hunched over, fellating himself expertly.]

i want to whine

2006-09-07T13:22:00.000-06:00

but i won't. i'm giving up on hearing back from staff management in austin. also giving up on getting the rest of my vacation pay. money comes and goes. worked out details of payment with mr. jordan, "calling on behalf of the university of illinois." bill-collecting cocksuckers. mr. jordan was a pretty nice guy, though, credit where credit's due. now, about affording it all... we'll see.

it's all okay, though, really. i'm saying this like you're the one who needs convincing. i guess i'm just reminding myself. we'll all float on, huh? (thanks, jeff.)

i'm going to capitalize on these next depressing, poor months, and work on this script. it's hard writing about a shitty time in your life when everything is going so damn well. so this'll be good.

just being dramatic. i feel a little better already.

safe and sound

2006-09-06T08:27:00.000-06:00

i made it home safely and soundly early monday night. colleen, my new roommate and old friend, pulled into the parking lot as i threw my bags over my shoulders and started for my building. she put her coffee-date plans on hold for almost thirty minutes to catch up. it was just what i needed after such a long, lonely drive, to feel her welcome and love. i had let another roommate borrow my bike for a three-week trip across the state, and while i was gone, he had returned the bike with a couple bottles of spanish red as a thank you. during the drive, i daydreamt of unwinding with a glass of wine but knew i didn't have the money, so seeing those two bottles as i dropped my bags to the floor made my sore eyes smile.

it was a strange night, that first one back in town. last night wasn't much less strange, but i'm easing back into life here. the job in austin is still pending, but i did decide to pursue it. being in a new place, with new people, every few days for a couple weeks made it difficult to want to come back to the same-old. i was hoping, even, the job would come through while i was away, and leave me only enough time to clean house and pack up, get in the car and go. being alone here is hard. i have my handful of friends here, but it's a slowly diminishing handful and i'm ready for something else. i don't feel at home, at home, anymore.

the radio station helps. i had a great shift yesterday morning, and my new music hour last night was good, despite waking up late from a nap and having to throw it together quickly. polyphonic spree have a new album out next week, and as a teaser, they put out a five-song e.p. yesterday with a couple songs from the album and a few covers. their cover of nirvana's "lithium" is pretty incredible, and it kept me up late last night, inspiring a new mix. i remember having a conversation with someone once, wishing i could make a career out of making mix cd's -- they shot back with, "yeah, it's called being a radio dj..."

at least i'm doing something right, huh?

nick and i started writing, finally. we've been talking about getting our story down, for years. just so much crazy shit has happened with us, it makes sense. well, during my last, rainy day in boston, i sat down and started making notes, and before long, i had built a rough-but-believable storyline. i called nick and ran it by him, and when he showed up for dinner that night, he'd already written an intro. that's something to hold onto. and being alone in champaign is helping me find the part of myself that has something to say. that, or it's quickly killing me. but either one is good for our story, so i'm trying not to complain too much.

woke up with a little to-do list today: get checks from comic shop, radio station, coffee place; buy books for school, or at least for spanish, since my first class is tonight. then work. i'm really having a hard time motivating myself. i haven't even done laundry yet. i have to help my roommates clean at some point, too. right now, i'm eating cookies for breakfast and listening to the long mix i started last night. honestly, this is what i'd rather do all day.

but if i've learned anything over the past four years, it's to go ahead and shower, and start your day. never know what's in store for me today. you just have to get up and go...

who wants to open a bagel joint with me?

2006-08-30T15:27:00.000-06:00

i tell you, gourmet bagels are an untapped venture in champaign. i've kept the idea of opening a bagel stand in the back of my mind since visiting my buddy dave in carbondale, where they have this guy who grills bagels and fruit/veggie toppings outside the bars when they close. i thought it was genius. the guy's been doing it for a long time, too, and at five bucks a bagel and an endless supply of drunken clientele, he has the right idea. and the things are delicious, too. right now, i'm resting my dogs after a long afternoon of walking all over san francisco at caffe sapore, a little coffee/cafe spot in the bay area, and i swear i just had the best bagel of my life. wheat bagel, topped with avocado, tomatoes, swiss cheese, red oninos, basil, olive oil, dijon and za'atar*. fucking delicious. let's take this shit and run with it! who's with me?

that is, if i come back to champaign at all...

part of the reason for visiting al in austin was to check up on the way they run things at that dell center. since they're just setting up camp, they have openings for supervisors, which is what i've been doing for the past year and a half. i knew going into it that they wanted to interview me for the job, but after so long in that hell of a factory, the idea of sticking with staff management in any capacity wasn't high on my list of things to do. but after seeing the place, and especially after coming to san francisco and comparing this sense of estrangement here to that at-home atmosphere of austin, i started thinking about the offer a little more seriously. the guy i was to meet with in austin ended up flying out for the weekend, so we missed each other. but since bringing all of this to the front of my mind (maybe six hours ago), i've set up a phone interview for tomorrow during my layover in atlanta, and have spent my lunch hour looking at places to rent on craigslist. so, uh...

what am i doing? i have no fucking idea. but it's funny, that when i called my dad today from the top of telegraph hill and told him what's been on my mind, he said our friend amanda had told him just the other day that she knew i wasn't coming back. amanda's always had me pegged, whether i like to admit it or not. and as much as i love proving her wrong, i'm a little anxious to see how this one pans out.

i don't know if you've seen the trailer for the wild parrots of telegraph hill or not, but i set off in search of these birds today. i'm down to my last seven bucks, and i decided to trade my bus fare for a coffee and just foot it today. these hills are no joke, my legs are exhausted. but i did it, trekked across the city and ended up at coit tower, at the top of a hill overlooking the bay on one side and the city on the other. beautiful. i heard the parrots first, then ran for somewhere i could look up without seeing trees, and there they were. twenty or more of them, all flying together, squawking loudly. and then they were gone. i tried following them and ended up seeing them twice more, but for no longer than i did the first time. it was still perfect, and made me miss my lovebird, calvin.

well, i have a long, hilly trip ahead of me, and hopefully a nap at the end. i have a playlist to finish and a sushi dinner to scout out. you know, on a sunny day, san francisco is goddamn lovely.

tamarindus indica

2006-08-30T08:52:00.000-06:00

a few weeks ago, ryan heindl gave me a copy of tom wolfe's the kool-aid acid test. i haven't really had time to read it since then, but i took it with me on the trip, and am almost knee-deep in the thing now. it's crazed, drug-addled, mad -- so much that it might help to be a little fucked-up yourself when you read it. i, however, am not, and the damned thing is only good for me in small doses. it's holding my attention, though, which is more than i can say for any other book i've started in the last year.

i raise my window shade halfway and look out over the soft tops of clouds. it's cold on the plane. i've been cold a lot, lately -- unspoiled by a life without air conditioning. texan sun is perfect, hot but not humid, and usually on its own in a blue-eye-blue sky, with clouds for neighbors rather than enemies. the soft sea of white outside my window has broken into big, friendly puffs of cotton, casting fluffy shadows on a dry, desert floor as they shuffle by.

it's the reading that has me writing, i'm sure of it. one can't be in my life without the other, and both have been absent for a long time. wolfe's manic prose has me probing through this cobwebbed brain for better words and more poetic punctuation than i'm used to using. not poetic, that's not the word. it's the word i want to use, but not one i trust myself to back up. not anymore, or at least not yet. not yet.

i'm also partially inspired by this exotic-looking woman sitting at the window seat opposite mine. she's writing in a journal with a design on its cover that reminds me of the dress rachel was wearing when i saw her last. this girl reminds me of rachel, too, the tone of her skin and shape of her face. she's curled up, cold too, against her window, the pale skin on her arms showing through to tiny, purple veins, working to keep her small body warm. i wonder what she sees out of her window -- nothing, now. her eyesed are closed. asleep? i wonder if she's dreaming.. outside my window, the cotton puffs are giving way to wide, open stretches of sky. the brown, texas earth lies still below.

her dress sparkles -- the way she moves, so fluidly. she might be an alien. a beautiful alien.

some nonsense notebook rabble i wrote on the plane from austin to phoenix. san francisco's been really nice, kinda chillly, but carissa and emily have been wonderful. i'm working on stretching $40 over three days, and so far, it's been a successful challenge. more on that, them, and california, after i spend some quiet time with carissa's new mix and this cup of coffee.

sigh?

run, run, rudolph

2006-08-28T12:36:00.000-06:00

i couldn't have scripted it better myself. in those early, restless hours of the morning, i could have written a choose-your-own-adventure short story depending on when i thought i'd wake up. when i was downstairs for breakfast, i balked on asking for an 11:00 wake-up call -- it sounded silly, and besides, i wasn't even staying in my own room. as far as homewood suites austin knew, i was al jones of staff management office 32 in detroit. i didn't even eat downstairs, but filled a plate and took it back up to my room. you know what they say about hindsight being 20/20? well...

despite having set three alarms, and i KNEW three alarms wouldn't be enough, your wannabe hero rolls lazily over to check his phone at exactly 11:50 a.m. -- just like any hotel, checkout is at noon; more importantly, last night, i'd booked a shuttle to take me to the airport at noon, as well (there's another minor, head-aching story involved with that, which i'd promised myself i'd forget in the morning, so we can't go there).

11:50 A.M. -- i knew it was going to happen, i knew it i knew it i knew it i knew it. like i just whined about in the post previous, i've been working overnights, i KNOW my body and i know how much sleep i need and i know how little i usually allow it after i get off work at seven every morning. i know how many alarms it takes to wake me (five, no less) and i know how often even that doesn't work. so i knew, crawling into bed at 6:30 a.m., that there was a chance i'd be finding another way to the airport and possibly another flight, if waking up went as horribly wrong as it could have. i knew this.

still, i thought the importance of waking up on time would somehow worm its way into my brain and, when those three ringtones sounded off at 10:25, :35, and :45, i would wake up bright-eyed and raring to go. even then, i could almost see it...

running around the hotel suite like the crazy-ass i am, mapping out in my mind where everything was in the place, where i'd thrown my socks and where i'd used my phone charger last, my shampoo was in the bathroom, toothbrush by the sink, six-pack of lone star in the fridge for mark when i get back, clothes in here, clothes in there -- i was even humming "run, run, rudolph," humoring myself by thinking i was in a home alone movie.

but i made it downstairs in time, van was outside, filled up my travel mug with some coffee in the lobby, grabbed a newspaper and threw my room keys on the counter. i didn't have time to explain how i wasn't al, which was good, even though they didn't ask anyway, but only wanted to know if he had left or not. he had. they -- oh, you don't even know about al! well, long story short, i'm a stupid, funny fucker who can neither sleep nor wake, currently sitting safely and soundly in austin's bergstrom airport, typing away on my lovebird-defaced laptop and watching beautiful women walk right past me. my flight doesn't start boarding for another hour and a half. i can't even get through security until i finish my coffee, anyway. we're on orange alert, you know...

i met al jones when he came down to work at plastipak, for staff management, the staffing agency from which i've recently resigned, while plastipak served as our site of operations in champaign, il. staff sets up these on-site offices, so every SM office is unique and devoted only to its home factory or warehouse, or whatever the client is. al had come from detroit, through a rather noble move on his part -- corporately (a 22-year-old should never have to be so familiar with the word), staff was having to cut some corners, and most offices evenutally downsized. well, at office 32, they eliminated an entire shift of workers and, consequently, a supervisor's job. rather than see his buddy lose his job, al volunteered to travel with the company and let this other guy fill his own spot. he came down to champaign to help us fill the vacant supervisor's spot on the overnight shift opposite mine. so we worked together. i showed him the lay of the land, the way we run things down there, how to handle plastipak's asshole personnel and when and when not to make exceptions for our own. it's a god-awful job, don't even get me started. point is, al and i worked together for a month or two before they found him a permanent replacement, and i got to thinking al was a pretty cool guy.

well, now, al is part of staff management's "new business" operation. kind of. new business is in charge of rolling out new staff accounts across the country. i say he's kind-of part of it because he's actually still a supervisor in detroit, waiting for his old spot to open back up, but in the meantime he's traveling with new business. a bit of a rotten deal, seeing that new business makes considerably more than us little guys, but then, staff management's a bit of a rotten company. corporation.

al had just spent six weeks in nashville training at one of the new dell accounts SM had somehow sweet-talked their way into. well, actually, i know they'd been trying to secure these dell accounts for over a year and finally did, so they must be doing something right because it's a pretty big-stinking-deal. the nashville account was the prototype that worked, and now, new business, and al jones, were rolling out the rest of the dell accounts nationwide. al came to champaign shortly after i had come back from my first round in austin, so he called me almost as soon as he touched down: "hey man, i'm in austin! you should come visit!"

i told him, matter-of-factly, i was planning on leaving the place soon and was looking to get away for a while, and i'm sure i could pencil austin into my plans. in the following weeks, we'd even set up the possibility of my getting a job down here -- other persons involved had some last-minute schedule changes, so i didn't get to meet with the guys i was to meet with, but al's been hyping me, so we'll see if i can't get a phone interview or something later this week. i wasn't thinking seriously about the offer until now, though, all these gorgeous women walking by...

so yeah, that's al. we had a great time, schmoozed with some of the people he works with at this little dell community down here, got drunk and got lost, and talked our ways into as many free meals or drinks as possible. peas in a pod. he had to leave yesterday, but told the hotel his flight had changed and he'd be staying an extra day, and left the room to me. a free night on staff management, i figure they owe me at least as much, since i'm not so sure my vacation time is going to pay out as accurately as i'm hoping.

anyway, that's my story. my battery is running low, so i'm going to try to post this and pack up, and try finding another starbucks in this place. i'm still sleepy-eyed. i need to wash my face and brush my teeth, too.

gross.

insomnia, you cocksucker

2006-08-28T04:44:00.000-06:00

so i expected some recoil from trying to readjust to a normal, daytime schedule, after working an overnight shift for a year and a half. i never even had that much trouble doing the day-to-day, work one night and have the next one off, be up with everyone else in the a.m. and take a nap before going to work again. i'd sometimes work part-time from noon until i had to go work overnight, making for around an 18-hour day, only to do it all over again the next. but this... maybe it's jet lag and the long drive throwing my circadian rhythm for one final, conquering loop. i don't know. but this is ridiculous. five-fucking-thirty in the morning? ten hours ago, i was toying around with the thought of going to bed early and hitting up the continental breakfast before checking out. at this rate, i could probably shower, dress and beat everyone else down there...

the night started well enough, working on a new playlist for carissa, a kind of postlude to this amazing day: slept in, spent the afternoon by the pool, caught up with mom and dad on the phone, got a greasy bite to eat at "sam's boat" across the parking lot, and left myself exactly enough time to catch up on my deadwood episodes before the season finale at 8p. it was a truly spectacular day. i was even going to go back over to sam's to hang out on my last night in town, but decided to forego that in favor of... well, getting to bed early. looking back, i should've just gotten drunk and passed out.

i laid in bed for a while, carissa's new playlist playing from the living room -- could not fall asleep. when the mix stopped, i gave up and came back in the living room, messed around on the computer for a bit and finally caved, made a grilled cheese and sat down to catch up on my other-new-favorite show, weeds, of which i'd only earlier finished downloading the rest of season one and as many episodes as have been aired for season two. see, carissa has already packed up her television and is on withdrawal, so i promised her i'd find tomorrow's (today's, fuck!) episode as soon as i got out there. she's amazed at my downloading wizardry. and you know, sometimes, so am i... anyway, i'd only seen a few episodes of the show, all said, so i figured two a.m. on a monday morn was as good a time as any to catch myself up. on every episode. jesus.

but if you can't lounge around naked and smoke cigarettes and watch tv through all hours of the night, then what the hell good is vacation for?

how about some goddamned breakfast??

austin, tx: still cool

2006-08-26T11:10:00.000-06:00

i know i said i'd post during this trip, and i haven't done a very good job of sticking to that. in my defense, it's been pretty hectic. left champaign around 7:00 wednesday night, made it to boston sometime around noon Thursday. met up with elizabeth in boston's beautiful downtown, took a stroll through the commons and found our way to her place, where nick was crashing for the night. from there, i painstakingly found my way to clay and guillermo's loft just outside of the city. boston is too fucking confusing for an innocent midwestern driver. and i thought manhattan on a saturday night was bad. boston has enough tolls and one-ways for everyone. i must have paid the same toll at least three times, as turned-around as i was. and at three bucks a pop, i think i should get some kind of consolation prize. but i finally stopped at a hotel and asked for directions, and found the boys' place on my next try.

and talk about beautiful. these guys' loft -- they just bought it a couple weeks ago, had some work done on it and are still putting on its final touches, but man -- it's incredible. 14-foot ceilings, hardwood floors, all industrial-like-yet-simple. and not to make a stereotype, but they're gay, so the place is naturally, immaculately well-kept. they ordered in chinese and introduced me to their mini-bar, and we watched a couple episodes of showtime's weeds, which all three of us just happened to have recently fallen for. i started nodding off during family guy afterwards, so they set up the air mattress for me in the living room and we all crashed. they left me a copy of their keys for when i get back in boston on thursday, since they'll be in new orleans that weekend. arranged for a driver to pick me up at the airport and everything. too cool.

woke up early yesterday morning, made some coffee, threw my shit together and met the driver downstairs. i had a nasty head cold or bug or something (still do, but it's a little better), so i picked up some sudafed at the airport and downed it with an iced americano -- for as corporately awful as it may be, starbucks does guarantee the same price for a drink in champaign as it does at an airport in boston. perfect.

the flight was okay, i really just wanted to sleep but couldn't. my plane had tv screens in the backs of headrests, with 36 channels of direct tv to watch. pretty cool, if you ask me, but there wasn't much on so early on a friday morning. i chilled out with some of the indie channels on their xm radio, though, and flipped through a shitty issue of esquire to pass the time. i don't usually read magazines, they usually piss me off with their barrage of advertisements, and i usually end up tossing the thing to the floor and quoting tyler durden: "is that what a man's supposed to look like?" daniel craig was on the cover of this one, though, so i let myself be a sucker just one more time and bought it for the trip. suckered, indeed.

coolest part of it was that jenna fischer had a page all to herself. jenna fischer, who plays pam on nbc's the office. jenna fischer, who has changed my personal taste in women, single-handedly. an excerpt from "10 things you don't know about women," by jenna fischer:

4. when we say, "i don't feel connected," the only appropriate response is, "i feel it, too. let's go out for a nice dinner and reconnect." try it. you will get laid.

i love you!

[EDIT 10/17/06: youtube has a video of the entire cast of 'the office' reading jenna's article! iloveyoutube.]

there's also a pretty hot one-pager with mary louise-parker (that "-parker" implies she's taken, yeah?) and her "rock me, baby" playlist. if it gets me the chance to "rock" someone like mary louise-parker, i'll try anything. there's gotta be a photo shoot online for this feature. somewhere. somebody google "mary louise-parker" and "esquire" and let me know what you come up with.

right now, i'm sitting in an austin, tx hotel room, watching nickelodeon and trying to download the newest mountain goats album. one of my blogs pointed me toward an article written by the band's lead singer about how the album came to be. i love the single we've been playing on wpgu, so this should be good.

what else? still have the head cold, am very low on cash, partied in downtown austin last night, slept in today, would like to go swimming but didn't bring trunks, would like to bring a pretty girl with me next time i adventure like this, hope everything is going well back home, kind of already can't wait to get back...

found this when i went to post today. it's an unpublished draft from after my first austin trip.

back in town, safe and sound, as of late last night. i stopped in taylorville first, to take advantage of home-cooked leftovers and soak up some much-needed family time, before beating out a snowstorm heading east across the state. i don't think it was, but could have been, the incredible storm i dealt with all the way from south of dallas through arkansas. it wasn't only one of the worst storms i've driven in, but it was heading northeast just like i. so instead of passing through it or it passing over me, we stuck together for almost eleven hours. lightning, hail, brimstone -- the works. at the time, i thought to call it "apocalyptic," although that seems too dramatic in hindsight. but it was a plague of sorts, keeping my speed way below the posted limit and my hands gripped tightly on the wheel, as if god was testing my commitment to finding "peace within madness." i could almost picture him saying, "let's see you and your little automotive sanctuary find peace in this, you fool!!" i ran into the bottom of the storm around 8:00 p.m. sunday night. when it finally let up, just shy of 7:00 a.m. the next morning, i was pretty frayed. i pulled into an off-ramp mcdonalds lot and fell into quick, deep sleep.

the snow today, however, didn't leave much damage on champaign. i hear springfield may have gotten the worst of it, and i know my brothers are enjoying the day off from school in taylorville. so if it was the same storm, i guess it dumped its worst on me down in texas. it makes a little more sense if it wasn't, though.

aside from the storm, the drive was, again, wonderful. i left houston reflecting on my day and, in my exhaustion, began to really, finally take the whole week in. i caught myself tying parts of it to memories made over the past year, or ones from years ago... the "revelation" i had after leaving rothko's chapel was not my own, nor did i find it myself, in that southern state. it's been presenting itself to me for years, and with more intent each time it echoes by. the magnet on the fridge, of course. my talks with mark these past couple months, and talks with my father for years. in fact, when dad took me in a little over a year ago, to shape up from a bad bout with depression and drugs, the bukowski book i brought along

that's where it ends. i don't even remember writing it. interesting, though.

and this is where this post is going to end, too. i'm going to make some of this crappy hotel coffee and maybe take a book out to the pool, catch some sun. hundred fucking degrees down here, it's wonderful...

dusting off the blog

2006-08-01T11:41:00.000-06:00

i only intended to keep a blog for my austin trip, because it made me feel a little like hunter s. thompson. i've had blogs before, and read plenty more. i'm well-acquainted with the initial, intense burst of writing, the following drought of thoughts and words, and the giving up completely. in the austin trip, i had a complete story arc: beginning, middle and end. and i wanted to leave it that way.

but it's the time of summer when frustrations build, and the longing for something more or new kicks into overdrive. i look back on the past year and a half of working two, three jobs, and see no money saved, no progress made -- a pocketful of good ideas and daydreams, but nothing to really say...

i'd planned on enrolling in parkland this fall, just to take a couple of classes and find my way back into the scholastic vein. that fell through today. my high school transcript isn't enough to get into any classes, it seems. and my academic history at the university is on hold until i take care of some fines and debts. which, up until this point, i had assumed was an accounting error leftover from when i dropped out. but it's not. and i can't afford to pay off my balance before classes start at parkland.

so that's my current, and most brain-consuming, frustration. at the moment. i realize it's not the end of the world, but with the end of my run at plastipak coming quickly and nothing but this head full of ideas and plans to catch my fall, i'm feeling a little lost today.

we'll see.

sunday morning coming down

2006-03-19T13:27:00.000-06:00

around the same time i started looking into south by southwest, i stumbled upon the works of artist mark rothko. actually, it was christmastime, and i bought a small box of rothko cards to go with my presents for closer friends and family. i was browsing borders when i ran into the stationary table, and realized i didn't have any cards to give in the first place. the rothko ones jumped out at me, and even though i tried to stay open to the other cards on display, at the same time playing with the idea of not getting cards at all, i was helplessly drawn back to them.

they were simple enough. blank on the insides, with one of five paintings pictured on the fronts of the cards. but i already had in mind which card was for which gift, the colors i thought best matched my relationship with its gift-getter. it was the first time i'd look at a painting and feel a genuine emotional reaction. some made me feel warm inside, those were for family. some made me feel introspective, those were for friends. some made me feel angry or sad, and those were for my special ones, like nick or jeff. one made me think of love, for amy.

i wanted more. i read up on the artist, and poured over hundreds of images of his paintings. untitled, 1969 brought me to tears the first time i saw it. i don't know why. i think i was looking at the national gallery of art's online exhibit when i clicked open the image, and right away, my eyes welled. it was an incredible, addictive feeling that i couldn't get over, and i kept searching for more.

i may not have gone any further than that online feature when i first read about the rothko chapel. meditative center partly designed by mark rothko. in houston. texas. only a few hours' drive from austin...

leslie had an early flight today, so i was groggily making my way out of austin around 8 am this morning. we were up late, of course, but the little sleep i got was spleeeendid, since it was the first night i'd slept on a bed, and not a floor, in five days. and the early start was great, since houston isn't really on my way home at all, but a sideways trip east across the state. going home from houston will probably take about as long as it did getting to austin.

barnett newman's "broken obelisk," dedicated to martin luther king jr, outside of the rothko chapel in houston.

i'll be honest. i came to austin hoping for something glorious to happen. i've been restless as all hell for months now, and it wasn't until driving to and from new york to see jiggsaw a month ago, that i found a glimmer of rest for my soul. something about the drive, in the anonymity of the road no matter where you are. my car became my sanctuary. it became my vessel for adventuring the outside world, with my own private place of music and musing on the inside. that's mostly why i didn't mind making this trip alone. i really wouldn't have had it any other way. i've been craving that zen-like duality ever since new york. i've felt pretty lost lately. and austin, with so much live music and so many people, seemed to promise someone or something would find me there.

did i really expect that? i ask myself this and, yeah, that's what i really wanted. i didn't know how or what was going to happen, but i was sure that if i kept my eyes, ears and heart open, i would experience something magical.

that used to be one of my favorite words, "magical." one night after we broke up, amy and i were talking, and somehow one of us described something as magical. probably me. all i really remember though is how she suddenly burst with distaste for the word, and concept of, "magic." it isn't real, she said. isn't real.

of everything about her i could keep close to me, this is what sticks the most.

and of course, nothing magical happened. really, despite how glamorous it all seems in the pictures and the stories, it was not. sure, i saw a lot of incredible bands and met a good handful of good people, but for the most part everybody was trying too hard to maintain their independent images and ideals, than to care about anyone else. i mean, have i been touched by anyone or anything in austin? not really. maybe, a little. i tried to take in as much of everything and everyone as i could, but i don't know, i only ended up with a head full of too much to make sense of. i'm no different now. magic isn't real.

i wanted love, and looked deep into the eyes of everyone there, hoping i might find someone who had more love for me than anyone i'd ever met before. i wanted the sense of belonging, and wanted to want to never leave. i was ready to call home and have my roommates ship down my belongings. i honestly wanted my world flipped upside down, by some new kind of happiness and peace i was convinced i could find.

my very first night in austin put all these hopes on hold. i was a little drunk and intently watching my first crowd of the week, studying the looks on the faces, the way everyone moved among each other, how they talked and what they said. i was fascinated with everybody's cheekbones, they were all so sad... and as i walked in and out of the bar, to the beer garden and the other stages, i was overwhelmed with the sense that i was not alone in why i came to austin. everyone lining the walls of these bars expected something amazing to happen to them during their stay. and what did that mean? is this just where the lost and lonely migrate to every year, 14,000 strong? suddenly it was never-never land, and we were all just hoping to stave off adulthood one week more. just a bunch of kids with questions and nobody to answer them.

but somehow i still felt more enamored, more engaged and engulfed, in this new world, than anyone else. i was charlie and this was the chocolate factory, and i was going to win it because i deserved to more than anyone else. it didn't have to be magic, but it had to happen. i needed it.

the whole week is replaying through my mind, moment by moment, as i'm sitting on a bench in the middle of the rothko chapel. all of these things, churning through my head, and i'm fighting to let them go. but the chapel is dark inside and the huge paintings morose, screaming madly from the walls all around me. i breathe deeply, belly breaths, in and out. i close my eyes and try to think back to acting classes, and guided meditation with my instructors. i can hear a generic voice in my head trying to help, but it can't counter the explosion of disappointment in my head. i don't know whether to keep breathing deep and trying to let go, or simply count my losses and go home already. i start to wonder what i expected out of this whole chapel thing, too.

i feel something moving on my arm. i look down to see a little bug, making its way across my elbow. it snaps me out of my delirium and i smile, wondering what the heck a little bug is doing inside this big, dark room. it doesn't belong in here. and i start to think, "you don't belong here any more than i do..."

when the bug flew off, i lied down on my back. there was a skylight in the middle of the domed ceiling that drew my gaze. i really don't belong here, i thought... no more than that bug does. my eyes are closed and i'm thinking back to this recurring battle i'm having between escaping life and embracing it, when a woman was suddenly standing over me. i hadn't seen her before but she appeared to be an usher. she whispered, "you need to get up." i apologized, but she was smiling, and for a second i felt like her words meant something more. i sat up and looked back at the dark walls, and started to cry. i did need to get up, and i needed to go home. but i wasn't ready, i hadn't found anything yet...

through my welled eyes, the walls looked lighter than before. i could still hear them screaming, but the noise in my head wasn't so loud now. there was the quiet hum of air conditioning. a bird whistled from outside, muted by the walls of the chapel.

i felt strangely... at peace.

it all made me think about this magnet one of my roommates has. i made her take it off the refrigerator because it made me sad. it did. it said something like, "peace is not living without war, or struggle or pain. peace is living among these things, and being still within your heart." it used to make me angry, because i didn't know how to do that.

looking at the walls of the chapel, painted by a man who, shortly afterward painting them, went home and cut open his wrists; hearing these giant brushstrokes screaming at me, from every wall of the six-sided room; yet, feeling completely serene and calm on my bench in the middle of it all, i started thinking, "that goddamn magnet is right..."

i said a silent thanks and picked up my bag, on impulse, and walked out of the room. the usher smiled at me as i left, and whispered in that same, knowing way, "come back." i smiled and thanked her too, and said i would. i might.

on my way out, i stopped to sign the guest book. there was writing on the page already, frantic cursive filling the entire page and the one before it. somebody was writing to a lover or friend who had passed. she said, "i think i've finally realized it's not about letting you go, because i've tried and i can't. it's about acknowledging the fact that i will always miss you..."

the tears welled up again, and as i flipped backwards through the book they started falling. there were entries in french, in spanish, in chinese. a girl, signed as only ten years old, wrote that she walked out of the chapel feeling like her life was changed. good for you, i mumbled while sobbing quietly, still flipping through the entries, touched surprisingly deeply by almost all of them.

i didn't know what to write myself, or if i even should. but i wrote down exactly what i've expressed here. that i came in not knowing what i'd find, if anything, despite so badly wanting to find something... but that i did find exactly what i needed. and that it's not here, but back home, amidst the madness i left behind.

it was hard to leave. i was holding that guest book like i'd fall down if i let go. but as i did walk out into the beautiful houston sun, almost an hour after i had left it, the humidity thick and sweet, the birds alive and singing, i honestly felt a happiness like i've never felt before.

right now i'm sitting in a small cafe just down the street from the chapel, with some of the most beautiful, down to earth people i've met all week. in fact, i think i could probably stay here forever...

just kidding. i actually can't wait to get home. i can't wait for the drive. hell, i can't wait for the walk to my car. i love you all and i love houston and i love mark rothko. and the bug and the usher and even austin, as hellish as it was. right now, i kind of love everything. for the time being, at least.

which is just fine with me.

picture party

2006-03-18T19:21:00.000-06:00

tristan and newcomer nick from the headlights show last night. gorgeous dudes, man. gorgeous dudes.

taking a moment to myself after a long and beautiful walk from the hyatt across the river. not-downtown austin is really wonderful. i gotta thank jeff for helping me make a game-time decision after seeing tilly and the wall at club deville: 5 pm local in-store performance by band of horses? or a 4:30-5:30 triple set by john vanderslice, jason collett (of broken social scene) and the long winters? after some back and forth, he picked band of horses and i couldn't have been happier with the call. here's a pic from the in-store at end of an ear. awesome place. awesome band. first and only cd i've bought this week.

silversun pickups from last night:

beautiful downtown tonight:

something i haven't mentioned yet are the birds. goddamn craziest sounding birds i've ever heard in this town. even from inside the convention center and at nearly 8 pm, i can here them going nuts outside. i wish i had some way of recording them for sufie and bring him home a little austin lovin.

here's that stupid girl with the cupcake lip:

oh yeah, this happened too...

hah! i'll have to save the story for later. right now, i'm off to see jose again, then superchunk and the cribs. i may be weighing food money for tomorrow against drink money tonight, i'm quite parched... ;)

thanks for checking up on me while i'm down here, guys, it's been really fun for me and i really appreciate it. i don't know if i'll be able to post again before i leave or not, but i have one special stop to make in houston i'll try posting after. we'll see.

adios!

south by south... wet

2006-03-18T13:40:00.000-06:00

rainy day in austin. even with a full day and nights' worth of festival left, it's a bit quieter than it has been. if anyone else feels like i do, this mix of sad to leave and ready to, then that might explain it.

last night was by far my favorite night of the festival. hell, it was my favorite day overall. jose gonzalez in the morning, los abandoned (my surprise favorites for friday) and tapes n tapes (i take that back, these guys are my friday favorite) early afternoon, those crazy-ass cliff people at clap your hands, POSTERS, a little bit of nada surf from the alley behind the stage, silversun pickups, headlights, the elected (rilo kiley guy's side project... they're okay), and rogue wave to top off the night. we tried getting into some crazy virgin records party on the 24th floor of another hilton downtown, but that was a horrible idea. place was packed shoulder to shoulder with, as polyvinyl intern seth hubbard put it, "with every kind of person i hate." we met and talked with this british couple on the first floor, who made it to the party and back out before we could even figure out the elevators. they walk out of the room almost laughing at how ridiculous it was and begged us not to waste our time with it. "let's put it this way," british guy says, "i'd rather be lying in the street drinking my own piss..."

so we just chalked it up as a bad idea and turned in for the night. mark stayed, though, only seth and i went back to the hotel. my tiny floor space was a welcome sight. i cuddled up with my pillows and blanket and went straight to sleep.

woke up today and packed up my bag. polyvinyl's checking out today, and flying back after the headlights and aloha show i just dropped mark and seth off at. i'm going to meet up with leslie at some point today and crash with her tonight. i'm okay being on my own for the day, most of my day yesterday was spent roaming these streets and pubs by myself, and it was great. i think not only did the festival itself warm up over the latter half of the week, but the crowd has as well. i don't know how many people i've met in the past couple days, hopped around with, ate with, buddied up with on drunken walks home. i didn't want to admit it before, but i was pretty intimidated my first night in town. so much to take in. yesterday was much better. today's a little off, but i think rain and exhaustion have set this mood. we're all still on the same page, which is incredibly cool.

the bass player from silversun pickups just walked by me. i saw her last night after the show and couldn't help interrupting her phone call to tell her she how awesome she is. i wasn't rude, but i made my point. heh. i just saw them again, actually, around the corner at that same patio bar and grill i saw tapes n tapes at yesterday. they had free crab cakes and spinach fondu dip, and little spicy quesadilla triangles, all throughout the first few bands' sets, which was perfect. i've been pretty good, but not good enough, with my money this week. i've got all day and tonight to get through before driving home, and by my estimate, i've got just about enough for gas and food. the adventure never ends.

i am a little depressed to see mark go. we hung out with this girl jessica, from some corner of the industry or another, last night from nada surf 'till headlights. she thought it was "cute" that we were doing everything together (she was just talking to be talking, i think she wanted to hook up with mark but was keeping me close for a plan b), but it's like i told her, he and i both work so much, and during opposite hours, that we really don't see much of each other, even though we live together. hanging out with mark is like slowly chiseling our ways into another mind just as screwed up as our own. he's got incredible ambition and ideals, and i really love that i got to absorb a little more of it than usual this week. we spent most of last night venue-hopping together, the two of us and jessica. she ditched us at headlights though, when another dude came along, so we headed over to red eye fly to catch rogue wave. we stuck to the back of the place, though, tired, and shot shit for most of the show. kicked back on the patio deck with a couple of tall lone stars, the pbr of texas, the elected and rogue wave playing away up front. such a great time.

but i am, kind of, ready to go home. my wallet and i are both spent, and i feel like we'll both be wading through the day. i'm still open for anything, though. you never know what the hell can happen in a day, especially here. mm. that gives me a bit of a smile. today could be really awesome, come to think of it.

i have a ton of pictures from last night but blogger isn't letting me upload them. even one of that stupid jessica girl getting the inside of her lower lip tattooed with a cupcake. a goddamn cupcake. she was from new jersey, which might explain that...

i'm done typing. time is wasting, music is playing. and some guy with a cart just dumped a huge box of splenda packets on me. i think it's time i go. :)

don't cry i'll bring this home to you

2006-03-17T18:04:00.000-06:00

los abandoned have this smoking hot lead singer. look at her, playing her cute little mexican mandolin. she's like a spanish erin fein. delicious.

anyway. so i'm my on way from seeing los abandoned and tapes n tapes at the smokehouse bar and grill, carrying one of the bottles of juice sxsw has stocked in coolers at venues all over downtown austin. i'm on my way to see clap your hands say yeah at the club deville, crossing red river, when the driver of this suv yells out at me to come over. i'm in the middle of the crosswalk but traffic isn't moving so i oblige. he holds up a five dollar bill, says he'll give it to me for my bottle. i look at the juice speculatively, then back at him, and say, "but man, i've already drank out of it!" he points to his buddy in the back seat and says the guy has to piss so badly he's willing to give me five dollars for my bottle. hell, i shrug, take it. five bucks! there's definitely something crazy in the air today...

but the deville place is packed, its line stretching out to the nearest street corner. there's no way, badge or no badge, i'm getting into this show. the place is small, and it looks like there's just as many people in line as there are inside. but the stage is actually outside, under a big awning, and as i stretch to look at exactly how long the line is, i see some people above the venue, walking down this cliff (a small cliff, but yes, definitely a cliff) and sitting down to watch the show from up there. i decide these people are brilliant and take off around the street corner and up the sloping sidewalk and approach a smaller wall of this... cliff (yes, a goddamn cliff)! i grab hold and step up, and what do you know, i'm standing on top of this cliff, overlooking the club deville and the stage. these are the new coolest people i've met this week.

but our glory was short-lived, when one of the club's staff walked out and yelled at us to get off the cliff, that it was private property and we had to leave. we did, reluctantly, all of us cursing the guy for being such an asshole. he's got a job to do, i understand, but he really was being a dick. oh well. bygones, you know?

but anyway, we all just moved over to the side of the cliff, outside the markers keeping us out in the first place, and now we're in some private driveway watching the show from here. the sound isn't that great, but it's no worse than it would be if we were still standing out in line. the vantage point makes me feel just like spider jerusalem, above the crowd at the transient riots, no obstacle in his way of delivering the truth to the people of the city. rock on, champaign! rock on, taylorville! rock on, saara and elizabeth in boston! heed no warning, and rock on!!

aaahh... i've also found no end to amusing myself. i'm so winning this game.

so climb on up here and listen to clap your hands with me!

actually

2006-03-17T14:36:00.000-06:00

i did miss drive by truckers. damnit. they played last night, at the same time as minus the bear. fuck! i would've much rather seen truckers than bear. oh well. i'm tuned into their KEXP stream right now. and that show i was going to see just now is way the hell across town, and the band i want to see is playing again either tonight or tomorrow, i just checked but forget. think i'll go grab another coffee and kick back with the truckers here, and get this damn work done. goddamn dirty work. heh.

sigh. they're playing a song from their new album... :(

--

VINDICATED EDIT @ 3:20 PM!!

patterson hood, lead singer of drive by truckers, playing a solo show in just under an hour.

i win! :)

--

deflated edit @ 3:26 PM...

way too far away. screw drive by truckers! i'm gonna buy some posters. :(

whew!

2006-03-17T14:20:00.000-06:00

made it over to pitchfork's tent with enough time to kick back before jose gonzalez started his set. when i got there, the crowd was weak and death vessel was up, this very thin and attractive man singing falsetto folk. it took most of his set to figure out, was he a guy or girl? it's not an insult, the dude was pretty. and his music is wonderful. if there are any songs up on that website, check them out.

and then jose. oh, jose. you beautiful man, you. it was overcast and a little windy, but the crowd had grown by then and blocked most of the chill. and it wasn't the cold but the music that gave me goosebumps. the way he plays that guitar... man. really incredible. i can't articulate the experience just yet, i'm still in awe, but it was by far, so far, the highlight of my week. worth waking up late and rushing around like a nutcase making sure i saw him play. it was perfect.

just got off the phone with my boss back home, since i still have to staff my shift for the weekend, for whoever is subbing for me. four weeks ago, i'd put in a notice to quit, and this was supposed to be my escape and reward after putting in a long, hard year with staff management and plastipak. but even during the pitchfork set, i found myself distracted and thinking about the place, and glad i have something solid to come back to. it was a little over a year ago i decided to drop out of school and work, make some money, live the normal life for a little while. it was an impulsive decision, much like the one i made to leave the job. i'm still not particularly happy there, but i'm learning to love it. slowly realizing you've got to have something to ground you. can't just go around quitting everything, looking for your answers. i'm trying to find my answers in what i have right in front of me. it's interesting, saying this from austin. but i came down here with open-ended questions that desparately needed closure, and it's funny to realize that maybe the answers aren't here, in the escape, but maybe back where you thought you needed escaping from.

enough musing. i have some shifts to staff and, i just realized, a show i really want to see in 25 minutes. maybe staffing can wait...

i almost missed jose gonzalez

2006-03-17T13:46:00.000-06:00

it must have been about this time yesterday that i set my alarm for 8:30 a.m. today, so as not to, in any possible way, drunken or otherwise, forget to set it later. plan was to get up before the rest of the room, shower, make coffee, and head upstairs to the 18th floor conference room to see jose gonzalez. plan even involved pajamas. picture it: sleepy-eyed, freshly showered, coffee in hand, letting this beautiful swedish singer-songwriter slowly tug you into starting your day...

then, picture the morning-of, waking up to seth fein's dry, cracked morning voice talking loudly on the phone to whoever-comma-it-doesn't-matter, and when you find your phone, you see it is definitely NOT 8:30 a.m. but, in fact, 10:50 a.m. and the show started 20 minutes ago and when you went up there yesterday to see blackalicious he didn't even PLAY for 20 minutes before packing up, and jesus where's my shirt, why didn't my alarm wake me, ah fuck it, who has a room key i can borrow so i can go see the rest of jose's set pleasepleaseplease.....!!!

i made it up there to catch the last of "heartbeats." the room was pretty full, and i stood just outside the doorway and watched. melted. it could have been the relief of making it just in time, or maybe i was still half-asleep, or maybe his music is really that moving, but i could have cried. he finished and i exhaled, and the radio hostess thanked him and dismissed the room. i was frozen as everyone was clearing out, but i didn't know what i would have said to him if i tried. fumble over expressing how in love i am with his music while trying to hold in my god-awful morning breath? no way.

besides, my day was already off. wednesday and thursday, it seems, are a kind of warm-up for friday and saturday. i mean, these past couple days, i've had enough to do to keep me busy, but enough downtime to breathe. now, today and tomorrow, i can't even imagine how i'll make it to everything i want to see. that's the thing, too, about these past couple days, is that i've seen all those bands before. jose gonzalez, drive by truckers, silversun pickups, these are the bands i came to see. jose usually sticks to europe, and the closest he's come to champaign is pennsylvania. this is also the first time silversun pickups have played a show outside of california. and the truckers, well on my way down here, i'm driving past the towns and places they've sung about for years. i have to see them here. and they're all playing today.

(by the way, head over to KEXP's sxsw page. i don't know why i didn't post this before, but you can listen live to everything going on at the austin city limits studios. today at 2p: drive by truckers. today at 5p: jose gonzalez.)

so i'm up and moving at a hungry pace. got my latte in hand and pages of a schedule to sort through. i had hoped to go get my bukowski poster now, but pitchfork's day show opened its doors ten minutes ago, and jose gonzalez is giving me another chance to see him there at 1p. i'll be damned if i miss him again.

i don't really have much to say about last night. it was great, but left me exhausted. i'm sure that's really why i slept through my alarm. my body's tired from standing and walking all day and night, and austin's strict diet of beer and bbq aren't helping at all. however. rogue wave live is a whole new experience, ted leo puts on an energetically mean show, chin up chin up was my surprise favorite, headphones were just as i thought they'd be, minus the bear was incredible, and all the other bands inbetween were okay but not outstanding. as the bars emptied out, mark and i sat on the corner curb of red river and sixth streets and watched the mass filter out and back to their hotels or after-parties. i'm never unamused by these people. so many, so different, and everywhere. it was a good, quiet way to end a long, loud day.

if i'd figured out how to post songs on here like all the cool indie blogs do, i'd put some up right now. but since i didn't, and can't, i'm recommending you get yourself something from any or all of those bands, asap.

see, right here is where i would post that chin up chin up song i loved last night. how about their myspace page? :)

austin day two

2006-03-16T18:20:00.000-06:00

"flatstock" is the huge poster convention i'd read about before coming. flatstock is pretty fucking cool. i went in with no cash, on purpose, but picked up the business cards of the artists i want to come back to. i mean, really, it's just a big room with a ton of posters pinned up in booths. what's cool, though, is that the artists who make the posters are right there, too, displaying and selling their own work. i've warmed up to austin, and the crowd in general, and have gone out of my way to talk to a couple of people at shows or in passing. but flatstock was the first place where i'd strike up a new conversation with every turn, with fellow browsers and the artists themselves. out of all of them, however, i have to recognize the decoder ring before any others. check out their modest mouse collection. and then help me pick which one i'm bringing home (bukowski one doesn't count, fools, OF COURSE i'm getting that one)!

i'm set up outside the convention center, plugged into the wall here, resting the legs and feet and enjoying an urban austin sunset, orange light bouncing off of building windows. you know, with the food and the people and the asphalt, it even smells like six flags here. crazy.

before flatstock, i milked mark's connections for that rogue wave/ted leo show. not all day parties are open to the public (apparently), and this one in particular was an invite-only. but i lucked out, since aloha (polyvinyl) was an opener and mark had an extra pass to the event. and what they say is true: free beer and bbq. perfect. then, when mark and i were outside sharing a cigarette, none other than headlights themselves walked up the sidewalk and said they were going to join us. hanging out with headlights at a rogue wave show -- a combination born to rival all others. like when taco bell came out with those hard tacos, wrapped in a soft shell and held together with a thin layer of melted cheese. only better. naturally.

tonight, tonight. picked up a flyer at the ted leo show saying champaign's own cameron mcgill is playing tonight at seven, and sxsw sms text messaged me saying echo and the bunnymen is playing tonight at eight. echo and the bunnymen, huh? maybe. i've got a scarred perception of the band, the favorite band of a psychotic listener i used to have when i worked regularly at wpgu. jack. i still have jack's state i.d. somewhere. another story for another time.

i'll try to stop back by the convention center late tonight to update, unless madam adventure steers me in her direction and i end up across town, without my pants... in which case i'm sure i'll have a much better update, but at a much later time.

p.s. thanks for the camera, amanda!!

so many little red lights

2006-03-16T12:46:00.000-06:00

when i woke up in the reclined drivers seat of my car, the clock said five-something. the car reeks of gasoline, which immediately brought me back to that sick feeling i had as i was trying to fall asleep, and the gas station outside of dallas where i stood, pumping gas, in a big puddle of what i thought was water. makes sense.

i rubbed my eyes and reached for my glasses. stretched to look around at an empty parking garage, and maintenence crews picking up litter. austin downtown is its most vulnerable at five in the morning. all the lights are still on, and there are even a few more like me still wandering the streets, as if the city itself is saying it still wants to play, asking every groggy passerby where all the kids ran off to.

bedtime, kiddo. i say it out loud but to myself as i pull out onto red river road. took me an hour to find the right hilton mark was staying at, and flip through all the crap in my bag to find something, anything with mark's and his coworkers names on. i don't know who the room is checked under, and he's not answering his cell phone. it is not checked under his name, i do know that.

but i find the names i need and the very helpful girl at the desk rings me through to their room. i wake mark up and he comes down, and after i throw a few handfuls of socks and shirts into my bag, i give my car keys to the valet parking guy. i don't necessarily want to pay for valet parking, but i do necessarily want to go inside and go to bed. i'll find good parking in the morning.

mark's sleeping on the cot by the window, and i don't know who is in each of the beds. i've reserved the little floor space between them and the bathroom, which will be just fine. since everyone is sleeping, i'm typing this from the bathroom and looking at my haggard self in the mirror. goddamn. my hair's a greasy mess, i haven't shaved, i probably smell. what the hell am i doing, i ask myself. it's a miracle anyone let me into this building. oh well.

anyway, last night.

i found parking at the convention center, which would last me until the shows were over for the night, and then i'd have to come up with another plan. that was all right for the time being, i just wanted to pee and rock out, not simultaneously but in that exact order. i took the escalators upstairs to the registry line, and in about ten minutes, had my badge, had peed and was walking down the street to meet up with mark at emo's.

i first got to the bar and called mark. i was outside, at the corner of red river and sixth streets. he knew exactly where i was, and he said he'd be out in a minute. i drifted down the sidewalk, and noticed that the venue i was to meet him is actually a collective of venues, all on the same block. i had seen the names distinguished on my list of venues, but didn't realize they were all on top of each other. emo's, emo's jr, emo's annex, emo's inside, outside. it was mind-numbing, and i sort of wondered if i was even at the right place. i drifted up and down the sidewalk a couple times before i finally saw mark standing on the exact corner i had called him from.

we hugged, and he brought me inside, through the 'bands only' entrance under the projection that we were both with polyvinyl, rather than one polyvinyl rep and his geeky, tagalong friend. the door girls barely moved as we walked through the doors unapproached. headlights were soundchecking when i walked into one of the stage rooms. mark was making small business talk with a labelmate, the bassist for aloha. i watched maybe a minute or two of this, i finally let down my guard and stretched back. i'm here. i pulled out a cigarette and--

"uh, you can't actually smoke in here." one of mark's coworkers, instantly worried about the disturbance.

"no shit?" i clamored and sprinted outside. no big deal. won't be long before all of us smokers aren't allowed indoors at all, anyway, forced to stand outside and watch from the windows as the rest of the crew eats their olive gardens or red lobsters. i just figured, texas, you know? surely texas won't keep me from smoking indoors. goes to show...

but it gave me the chance to breathe in the outside air, hear the noises, take my last good look at everyone before night falls and they all turn into monsters. the noise was perfectly unbearable, no peace at all from the neighboring bars and shows, or street performances rattling around us. i loved it.

this place is like never-neverland. it's a dream, it's a puzzle. it's not real, no more real than champaign is. it's champaign glorified, is what it is. downtown, or campus town, multiplied by ten, everything within proximity of another, everybody knows everybody, noone any more alone than anyone else. it's surreal. my first thought as i'm driving through downtown upon arriving is that this is like six flags for indie kids.

headlights have a new member. a bassist/accordianist who is slowly and finally taking place of the band's minidisc player. headlights used to be a four-piece, then lost the fourth, the brother who now manages the band (the brother who is actually sleeping in the same room as i am, i later found out). they have this new guy, though, who fills so many gaps i never knew headlights had. they've staged him as the centerpiece of the group, up front and center and in the spotlight, while the rest of the band does their usual, casual rock-out thing. but he, obviously a fan of the band in the first place, just goes nuts, bouncing and thrashing around at all the same parts of the song that you are, like you're watching your love for this band manifest itself on stage. it's incredible. every time i see them, i say they've done the best they've ever done. maybe it's been the few weeks they've spent in the studio working on new stuff. maybe it is that fourth guy. i don't know. but they've managed to outdo themselves once more.

last night was pretty tame, overall. saw owen and headlights, then aloha and the m's, all polyvinyl bands. of montreal. i figured sticking with mark and his crew for the night was a safe way to ease into the festival. got a text message from sxsw sms service that the flaming lips were playing a previously unnanounced show just down the street. but my phone was low on battery and i had it off, saving it for, oh, say, waking up in a deserted parking garage at five-something in the morning.

today's a full day, though. i'm camped up in the convention center right now, using their free wireless (hotel is crazy, wanting me to pay for internet service), waiting for mark to finish showering and getting ready, and then we're going to a day party put on by stereogum, featuring rogue wave, ted leo, aloha, what made milwaukee famous. tonight, i'm not sure. surprisingly enough, there isn't a particular show i really care to go see tonight. old leslie from wpgu is here, first time seeing her since she graduated and left town. i gave her a call on the way over to the convention center, and she's got an agenda for the evening that i might hop onto. we'll see. right now i'm only concerned about free bbq.

someone needs to get on some free coffee.

jose gonzalez plays IN my hotel tomorrow morning!

peace!